RTK

Admitted that he loves me tonight.. and now what?

Now? I am compelled to write -- but write what? My folly...

The admission was necessary - needed, even though I know it is the best he can give me right now, he can't say, "MJ, I love you.." He cannot make me promises of future bliss (though I know it is within his capabilities). He cannot offer me babies - Mommyhood - even though I know it would be his joy - He cannot be more than he is capable of being today. And I wonder at this, because I love the man he is today and the one he hopes to be. Faults, frailties, insecurities, fears, opinions founded in hurt, all packaged up in the biggest most wonderful heart I have ever encountered.

This imperfect wounded man - is perfection for me, to me in so many ways. I cannot imagine my life without him, don't even want too. I regret my "decision" to end things with him, based not on fact, but on fears longheld and deeply guarded. It is not that he can't or won't give me or be able to give me those things, its that today those things hurt to much - but who knows what the future holds. And maybe they do not hold those things I hold so dear, but WTF did I walk out the door for, before knowing those things were not ever going to happen? Fear.

My fear, not his. Fear. Loves greatest enemy.

And now what? We long, we love, and we fear undoing what I so perfectly ended (perfectly, my ass, I am a Fool). We long to be with each other, we hold onto a "friendship" because we despise and despair at the thought of actually losing each other completely. We hold on to what we don't fear, fearing that very thing we both desperately want and need. Are we fucked up or what?

I hate this. I hate my head that makes decisions my heart is not in compliance with. I hate my words, convincing little foxes seeking my own way, rather than the right way. I hate my mistrust of me, and my fervent belief that I do not deserve to be loved, and therefore never will - so that when Love looks me in the eye I must find imperfections so that I may flee. I hate me, this me..

I want nothing more than to Love and be Loved in return. I had that, and I walked because he was not ready to "express, say, manifest.. whateverthefuckhaveyou" this love he has in the same way I am. I walked because I was afraid of the little voices in my head that tell me no one will ever love me are true, and that though I saw love displayed in this man more so than any other, I was unable to "believe" it because he was unable to verbally express it at that time, though his actions shouted it from rooftops. I am blind, deaf and dumb.

And for my folly? I hurt the one I never wanted to hurt. The one who already hurt so because of the actions of others who claim to love him. Knowing that dwelling in my heart, in my life, in my reach, was true love like he'd never had.

I failed. Him, myself our future.. and so much more...

Maybe there is more after this. Maybe there is love elsewhere... maybe one day I will find with another all this and more, but more than likely I threw my winning hand on the table declaring defeat before I even took the chance to see what the other players were holding.

~~~~~~~~~

This is RK's song for me.. to me... On the day I heard it with him it defined EXACTLY who he is (he is in complete agreement with me on this one..) I knew this, and still I failed to hear the song he sung.. Deaf, blind and dumb.

I've been so many places in my life and time

I've sung a lot of songs and I've made some bad climbs

I've acted out my life in stages with ten thousand people watching

Oh, but we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be, I've treated you unkindly

Oh, but Darling can't you see that, there's no one more important to me

Baby, baby, can't you see through me, 'cause we're alone now

And I'm singing this song to you, you taught me precious secrets

Of a true love withholding nothing, you came out in front

When I was hiding, yeah, yeah, but now its so much better

If my words don't quite come together, please listen to the melody

'Cause my love is in there somewhere hiding

I love you in a place where there is no space or time, I love you for my life

You are a friend of mine, and when my life is over

Remember, remember, remember when we were together

And we are alone now, and I was singing this song to you

We were alone, and I was singing, yeah singing

We were alone, and I was singing this song for you

Singing my song, I'm singing my song for you

Michael Buble - Song for You

I Guess This Explains the Hetroflexible Part and Why I MUCH Prefer a Man in My Bed!

Hm. Really? You seem to be straight. Yeah, it
really does seem that way. Were you quite
aware of that?

Are you really straight, bi, or gay? (anime pics)
brought to you by

Answer if You Dare - Or - Ways to Amuse Yourself While Bored@Work!

Answer if you dare...

1. When you wake up in the morning feeling horny, what do you usually lie in bed thinking about?What or who? I have my ways (see ? 3).. and morning is always a good time.. if its a who.. he knows who is.. ♥RK♥

2. Have you ever secretly fantasized about having sex with a good friend?It's not a secret, he's my best friend and we've had it..

3. Do you own any sex toys? Yep - EVERY girl needs a B.O.B.

4. Have you ever snuck out of the house?LOL.. not my own, but someone else’s - and its not as "naughty" as you might suspect... quite innocent actually..

5. Have you ever smoked pot? Nope - Don't see the point

6. What's the most drunk you ever got?Umm.. I get tipsy easy, but I remember everything I've done.. though there was that one night with M and RK - I was pretty wasted

7. Who do you wish would kiss you right now?He knows who he is..

8. Have you ever spied on someone naked?I have a lovely neighbor that I don't have to spy on.. he puts it out there for alllllllllll to see.. and likes to watch as well. Nice.

9. Average number of times you masturbate per day:2-3 with many wonderful O's.. Do you really need to know these things? and why, exactly am I posting it publicly?

10. How much porn do you keep around the house?I don't keep any as I don't watch it..

11. Cucumber, zucchini or banana?I'll have to go to the grocery store and get back to you later on this one

12. Watermelon, cantaloupe or grapefruit?They've been compared to Cantaloupes, but they're about the size of small watermelons.. HAHAHA..

13. What brand of condoms is your favorite?I HATE CONDOMS

14. Oral, anal or the "real thing"?Yes please..

15. Ever used hard drugs?Does Vicoden for a tooth ache count?

16. Ever injected any drug into your veins?Insulin.. but its into fat.. and it was someone else

17. Ever visited a psychic?Nope.. but I do have ESPN.

18. Ever stole anything from a friend?BN told me once I was a klepto, but I think of myself more as one who frees people from too many material items - i.e. i borrow things and forget to give them back.. i'm terrible like that
19. Have you ever wanted to be involved in a threesome?WANTED to be? HAHAHAHA.. Old news.

20. What's your biggest well kept sex-secret? My Mom thought I was a virgin till last year. I was inexperienced.. but definitely not a virgin.. she just didn't need to know.. I know you were wanting something more juicy.. but I'll save those for him to know and everyone else to wonder about..

21. Are you blushing right now? Wait! Should I be?

Who is Where?

Who Is In Heaven?

I was shocked, confused & bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
By the lights or its décor

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp –
The thevies, the liars and sinners
The alcoholics and the “trash”

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on could nine,
Looking incredibly well

I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take?
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must have made a mistake!

And why’s everyone so quite,
So somber? Give me a clue.”
“Hush Child” said He, “They’re all in shock,
No one thought they’d see you.”

Author Unkown

Simplistic in verse, overly so.. but RICH in truth! How often we judge who is and who is not, when, in fact, it was never our place. The Lord knows who is His..

One thought – I think too, that we will be even more surprised by who isn’t in heaven that we all thought would be there for sure.

Judging never gets any of us anywhere.. and I’m thankful to the person who sent me this. Her heart is beautiful – and I don’t think she knows that she gets the Lord better than us who she considers much “smarter” than herself.

=) MJ

ABC's of Me!

[A is for age:]I am an almost 35 year old girl (how funny is it that I’m excited about this?)
[B is for booze of choice:]Hard Choice – I LOVE Martini’s, almost any kind – Gin and Tonic is great too.. NO BEER!!
[C is for career:]Aerorspace/Healthcare Software Development – and full time student
[D is for your dog's name:]Dogs are only marginally cute producers of slobber and poop – I’ll pass.
[E is for essential items you use everyday:]Sunglasses, Hair dryer, computer and my car
[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]Someday You’ll be Loved – Death Cab for Cutie, and song 11 on Michael Bobule’s album.. its RK’s song.
[G is for favorite games:]Phase 10, Scrabble and what ever KMK wants to play when I’m with her and her Daddy
[H is for hometown:]Weisbaden, Germany – But I grew up in Highland, CA – But home is Orange County for sure.
[I is for instruments you play:]A little bit of guitar and I was recently given a piano.
[J is for jam or jelly you like:]STRAWBERRY!
[K is for kids:]I love mine already – Even though they haven’t come yet..
[L is for last kiss:]RK – Saturday?
[M is for most admired trait:]I have no clue what others like about me.. I’m always called the peace keeper or clam in the midst of the storm
[N is for name of your crush:]RTK – its not a crush
[O is for overnight hospital stays:]3 days when I was two to have teeth pulled, 5 days when I was 31 for a heart thing, and 4 days when I 33 to have surgery
[P is for phobias:]Flying, and hair not in the body makes me GAG..
[Q is for quotes you like:]The Journey is the Destination.. Dan Eldon (photojournalist) [R is for biggest regret:]Life is not about regrets, life is about learning.
[S is for sweets of your choice:]Could I be sappy and say RTK? No? DAMN.. Then I’ll go with Chocolate!
[T is for time you wake up:]Anytime between 6:15 and 6:45, which explains why I’m always late for work!
[U is for underwear:]I rarely wear them.
[V is for vegetables you love:]Asparagus, Artichokes, Edemame, HECK I love most of them!
[W is for worst habit:]Eating ice
[X is for x-rays you've had:]Ankle, wrist (like 18 times) chest a few times, teeth, God only knows what else...
[Y is for yummy food you make:]I pay a mean bill at the restaurant! I cook well actually, but don’t enjoy it.
[Z is for zodiac sign:]I’m about as fickle as a Gemini can be – I fit the description to a T