RTK

Admitted that he loves me tonight.. and now what?

Now? I am compelled to write -- but write what? My folly...

The admission was necessary - needed, even though I know it is the best he can give me right now, he can't say, "MJ, I love you.." He cannot make me promises of future bliss (though I know it is within his capabilities). He cannot offer me babies - Mommyhood - even though I know it would be his joy - He cannot be more than he is capable of being today. And I wonder at this, because I love the man he is today and the one he hopes to be. Faults, frailties, insecurities, fears, opinions founded in hurt, all packaged up in the biggest most wonderful heart I have ever encountered.

This imperfect wounded man - is perfection for me, to me in so many ways. I cannot imagine my life without him, don't even want too. I regret my "decision" to end things with him, based not on fact, but on fears longheld and deeply guarded. It is not that he can't or won't give me or be able to give me those things, its that today those things hurt to much - but who knows what the future holds. And maybe they do not hold those things I hold so dear, but WTF did I walk out the door for, before knowing those things were not ever going to happen? Fear.

My fear, not his. Fear. Loves greatest enemy.

And now what? We long, we love, and we fear undoing what I so perfectly ended (perfectly, my ass, I am a Fool). We long to be with each other, we hold onto a "friendship" because we despise and despair at the thought of actually losing each other completely. We hold on to what we don't fear, fearing that very thing we both desperately want and need. Are we fucked up or what?

I hate this. I hate my head that makes decisions my heart is not in compliance with. I hate my words, convincing little foxes seeking my own way, rather than the right way. I hate my mistrust of me, and my fervent belief that I do not deserve to be loved, and therefore never will - so that when Love looks me in the eye I must find imperfections so that I may flee. I hate me, this me..

I want nothing more than to Love and be Loved in return. I had that, and I walked because he was not ready to "express, say, manifest.. whateverthefuckhaveyou" this love he has in the same way I am. I walked because I was afraid of the little voices in my head that tell me no one will ever love me are true, and that though I saw love displayed in this man more so than any other, I was unable to "believe" it because he was unable to verbally express it at that time, though his actions shouted it from rooftops. I am blind, deaf and dumb.

And for my folly? I hurt the one I never wanted to hurt. The one who already hurt so because of the actions of others who claim to love him. Knowing that dwelling in my heart, in my life, in my reach, was true love like he'd never had.

I failed. Him, myself our future.. and so much more...

Maybe there is more after this. Maybe there is love elsewhere... maybe one day I will find with another all this and more, but more than likely I threw my winning hand on the table declaring defeat before I even took the chance to see what the other players were holding.

~~~~~~~~~

This is RK's song for me.. to me... On the day I heard it with him it defined EXACTLY who he is (he is in complete agreement with me on this one..) I knew this, and still I failed to hear the song he sung.. Deaf, blind and dumb.

I've been so many places in my life and time

I've sung a lot of songs and I've made some bad climbs

I've acted out my life in stages with ten thousand people watching

Oh, but we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be, I've treated you unkindly

Oh, but Darling can't you see that, there's no one more important to me

Baby, baby, can't you see through me, 'cause we're alone now

And I'm singing this song to you, you taught me precious secrets

Of a true love withholding nothing, you came out in front

When I was hiding, yeah, yeah, but now its so much better

If my words don't quite come together, please listen to the melody

'Cause my love is in there somewhere hiding

I love you in a place where there is no space or time, I love you for my life

You are a friend of mine, and when my life is over

Remember, remember, remember when we were together

And we are alone now, and I was singing this song to you

We were alone, and I was singing, yeah singing

We were alone, and I was singing this song for you

Singing my song, I'm singing my song for you

Michael Buble - Song for You