Addicted...

I am an addict.   I have always been an addict.  As much as I do not want to admit it, I will always be an addict.  My drug?  Food.  As much of it as possible shoved down my gullet, as quickly as possible.  Regardless of quality (oh yes, I've dug food out of my trash can before) regardless of flavor, regardless of how it is killing me inside, and out.

Insanity is what it is and for a while I was sane, and free - but then  I decided I knew better, that I should be able to eat what I want, when I want, regardless of what FA was telling me and the fact that nearly each of these people have something I want - FREEDOM.  Freedom from the insanity that food brings with it, freedom from the hurt, the cycle of pain, self hatred, degradation, of the loathing... funny thing is, I feel these things because of the food and it only drives me back to food to seek comfort and help, solace, companionship, numbing... 

Ahhh the beauty that the numbness of food brings to me...  The alcoholic and the drug addict can relate - that euphoria of forgetting for even a brief time - forgetting the pain, the imperfection, the sorrow, the hurt, how much you hate yourself and life...  forgetting... and entering into that dulled down state that brings such happiness - FUCK I do love that feeling. Drunkenness.. only on food, not alcohol.  

I want to say, YES I will one day be able to eat normal like a "real" person.  One day I can have a whatever with my family.. one day I will have control over this beast that is killing me from within -  but the truth is I probably never will be able to do that.  I will always have to stay away from those things which trigger me..  Thats the part I hate.. that I don't have a say.. and when I try to my say ends up costing me 14 lost pounds, a ton of pain, the return of massive amounts of negative thinking and self hatred... it robs me of my joy.

Not worth it...

Father, I can't do this apart from you.. I don't know how too.  I need you to help me and guide me every step of the way - I need your hand, your healing, your touch - Your love to free me from myself and this horrid plague.  I have been prideful, resentful... I have placed blame on others - CHANGE me Lord, its not them.. its me, its not the program its me.. Change me Father.. Free me from guilt, from shame, self hatred, shoving.. Free me from me that I may live freely in you and not be trapped in this misery for life.  Help me to be and stay abstinent.    HELP ME.

Returns..

Alright, I'm back.. NEED to write.. must write - have a ton of stuff going on and want to put it all down.. so I choose to do it here - regardless of which cretins of my past have access to it.. =) who gives a rip about them.  

=)~ Losers! 

Looking For Yourself Out There...

2 ½ years ago I had gastric bypass surgery. At the time I weighed in excess of 400lbs. I was a biggun to say the least. I was fat, miserable, hidden, ashamed and in the pits despair in ways that no one ever noticed… I hated me, and I hated life.

I have lost 169lbs since then.. making me “normal” by societies standards.. well, not normal, but acceptable. Yet, I am still the fat girl. I am still the one who can’t walk up a flight of stairs without being winded.. still the one who looks at others and thinks, if only.. still the one who wants to be like the others – the insider, not the one looking in. I am still the one who wants to run shedding the years of hurt and pain and embracing the freedom of movement and the pain of exercise (I secretly love that feeling – yet I don’t seek after it like I do other things).

Recently I’ve regained about 10lbs. Not much, but enough to scare the fuckwads out of me and open my eyes to the realities of me. Doesn’t matter how big the scar is down my belly, how small the stitched up my tummy to be, or how much lose skin I have from the weight loss – I am still the fat girl. I am still an overeater – I still run to food at the first hint of emotion, turmoil, pain, love, happiness, wind on the back of my neck.. you get the point. I am an emotional over eater.

I’ve had thoughts of getting a revision to my surgery. Most people having it weigh what I do right now, and end up at 120 or something stickish like that. But before I had mine, I always said if it were only 60-80 lbs I had to lose I wouldn’t do it, I’d change and lose it on my own. Time to eat my own words, suck it up and do this bitch.

I have an appointment today with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Its time to change me – from the core outward. Not time to go get my stomach cut open again and restrict myself so that I lose, time to cut my heart open and deal with the bullshit that dwells within.. the past that rides my ass like a motherfucker. Time to fix me – and fuck the rest of them. I know this is going to open up a gigantic can of worms in my life, heart – what have you.. I know it. I know I’m going to have to deal with shit that I don’t want to deal with. I’m going to have to learn self control, to practice many things I fear I don’t have the discipline to take on. I fear that I am going to have to do a million things I don’t want to do, only because I’m afraid.

Fear – fear.. the overriding motivator in my life – the overriding demotovator as well.. so much SO MUCH that I have not done or failed to do because of fear – so many places, things, experiences that I have failed to partake in because I was afraid of them.. didn’t even get my drivers license till I was 18 because I was scared I would suck at driving (the fear of not fitting behind the wheel was great as well.. but it was all fear motivated – all of it). SO FUCKING MUCH TIME wasted – because of fear.. because of voices that said I would fail (fuck you Mom and Nanny – FUCK YOU and your negativity spewing into my life all those years – why do I insist upon listening to you still? What the fuck did either of you do with your lives? Not a goddamn thing you can look back and be happy about – and me? No regrets, except this, that in all I have done (a fucking lot) I have let fear hinder me from other things. NOT COOL! I’m done with it)

6 months – I have 6 months in a beautiful little garden apartment for hell of cheap rent – all to myself (except the occasional lactation class – laugh with me now). And in this 6 months I’ve decided to change some things – with this therapist being only one in many things I’m going to change.

Its time. I’m taking the next 6 months off of school – taking the next 6 months off of RTK (weekends only – and he’s got some big decisions to make as well as I’ve given him an ultimatum – commitment by then and consider living together, with the thought of marriage being a possible future thing, or I’m OUT OF HERE – no matter how much it hurts us both – I wont drag my life out forever, no matter how much I love you and know I’m loved by you) 6 months to focus on me.. and change me – and fix those things that 1.) should never have been broken and 2.) since they were should have been dealt with a long time ago.

I read something about Born Again Christians the other day that struck me as incredibly true – Being born again means never growing up. There is a sad sad truth to that. I haven’t rejected Christianity, just that lifestyle – and I’m trying to find balance.. I know its to be found… balance, truth and integrity.. and me..

Drops of Jupiter – that’s where I am.

Abandoned..

I'm doing something he doesn't agree with.. and because of that he believes it's fair to cut out that part of my life - the offense? Moving. Nice huh?

I've been abandoned before, I'm sure this isn't the last time.. and it will probably be the space that I need from him as it is "far" that I am moving too.. Far enough for space that is..

I'm selfish.. I want to live in a beautiful apartment, by myself, pay only half the rent - and get the place to myself.. in the middle of the downtown part of a city I love.. I want to nest, I want hardwood floors, my own furniture, my own space.. the jacuzzi bath tub.. and a killer discount.. yes, I'm selfish - because he doesn't like it or agree with the person I will rent it from... Like he has room to judge the pasts of others? Control. That is the issue here. I don't want a relationship because I'm a scardy cat, but I want all the comforts of you and 100% say in your life. And now that you're doing something I don't agree with, I will cut that part of you off. Newsflash buddy.. You're my best friend, I love you more than I've ever loved another, flaws and all.. but either take it all or none of it; I hate to tell you this, it will probably be difficult to hear.. to absorb, but I will be just fine without you. Sorry. My loss will also be my gain in this one.

I've been abandoned before, I lived. I will survive it this time as well.

Cest la vie.

Scepter of Grace..

My Grandfather lies in a hospital bed in the CCU tonight, tube down his throat, wires plugged in attached to various body parts, iv's dripping potions of various sorts, naval cut sternum to pelvic area, freshly sown up - having... having? Almost died? Yes, close - very close. Family members shed tears of fear and frustration over what they are limited in doing.. physically, emotionally, financially and perhaps even spiritually. People rush to the emergency room to? To what? To be near in case of death.. in case despair must show its ugly face.. in case the facade of security, peace, family is cracked and life rushes in with its pains and agony to tether you in its grips unwilling to let go, move on, just leave.. unwilling.. life? No, us. Panicked we run to places which render us useless, in our limited skills, lacking knowledge and binding emotions. Why? Why? Closeness? Control? To feel the flames of the heart of agony warm our faces with fresh tears?

He may lay dying.. may.. may.. may.. and I? Emotionless. I went though not for him, but another. I went for her, the daughter who wept with fear, who cried as the agonizing thoughts of what may be captured her mind and engaged her heart with overwhelming sorrow. The daughter, better than I the "grand" one.. in her grace, in her mercy.. the scepter of forgiveness offered to him - a beacon beaming in beauty - with love, with magic, with life - things which I do not possess - not yet.. not for him.

I can see him in his fragile state, ashen, small, weak. But I - I remember the rain, the night, the lights in the driveway.. the drunken steps, stumbling words.. attempts at harm.. penetration - I remember.. SEARED - I will never forget. I remember walls, plaster holes, phones ripped violently from them, holes punched furiously into them - chalky dust testaments to rage, to hate.. to a past he cannot escape.. one given to him, created for him, but a future he formed of his own.. choices he made.. choices he continued to make -- until this morning and the ashy pallor of sickness, of death became the cloak he wore.

And she.. no they.. offer grace, choosing to forgive (?) choosing to -- call father this one deserving in only the most limited of ways. And the "grand" one.. me - Ambivalence.. Not even able to muster up anger.. just.. just.. only just. And the only sorrow I feel? That my ambivalence makes me a terrible person in the eyes of others - So I keep it a secret from all that I know, but the one.. RK - who loves me despite, who knows and understands me in ways that no one else does. He whom I love with my whole heart - for him I sorrow.. what could have been.. what could be..

But to the man, that man.. I lack.

I wish to see the smallness that this has made of him, but I only see the night, the rage, the want of sexual gratification so badly that one would corrupt an innocent to obtain it. I wish him no ill for these transgressions.. for this beastliness.. but neither can I muster the wish for good. I only feel nothingness.. nothing.. empty, void.. karma.

More Bored@Work Wednesday!

Adult Survey!!! For Adults only...;) Body: An adult survey. Be honest. If you aren't honest then what is the point. Fill it out and repost as a bulletin. Have fun.

1. Ever been to a male strip club?Nope - doesn’t sound too thrilling either, women are hotter by far!

2. Ever been to a female strip club?Yes - Loved it - and my lap dance, thanks RS

3. Ever been to a bar?Yep -

4. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?Nope

5. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?Never - and don’t plan to ever get that drunk - its stupid

6. Ever been so drunk you blacked out?Nope -

7. Kissed someone of the same sex?YES - Girls are yummy

8. Thrown up from drinking too much?No - but I felt like I wanted too, only cause I had too much in my small tummy

9. Had sex with more than one person in a 24-hour period?How about two at one time? So yeah.

10. Had sex in a car?Heeh..

11. Had sex in a park?Not yet
12. Had sex in a movie theater?Not yet

13. Had sex in a bathroom?Many - Might I recommend the one in Huntington Gardens Library? Yes CK I don’t regret everything, only that I fell for your lies..

14. Had sex in a school?Nope

15. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?Many

16. Have you ever purchased items from an adult store?Oh yes!

17. Have you spent over $100.00 in one visit to the adult store?Yes, we did..

18. Is there someone you wished you never had sex with?Only one - and he reads this - NEVER settle for an egotistical one minute man!! (fuck.. was that even a minute?)

19. Is there someone you wished you would have had sex with?Yes - but I screwed it up by not waiting for him - DC it was my fault.

20. How many partners have you had?Not too many - and not too few

21. Have you ever received oral sex?If he’s getting, he’s giving! Or her.. ;)~

22. Have you ever given oral sex?I LOVE IT!

23. Have you ever had a threesome?Yep.

24. Have you ever used viagra (or anything like it)?Ummmm.. me? No.. wrong apparatus

25. Would you rather give or receive oral sex?BOTH!

26. Have you ever kissed a stranger?Yuck. No.

27. How old were you when you first had sex?30 (and it was with two pump guy! What a disappointment!

28. Have you ever had a one-night stand?Once - it could and would have been more, much more if he had anything to do with it, but what was amazing sex for him was TERRIBLE to me - GAG -

29. Were you honest in this survey?Why wouldn’t I be?

30. Are you horny now?None more than when I first started this stupid thing - God being bored@work is a terrible thing.

50 Questions

1. Last person you kissed: RTK

2. Never in my life have I: Truly felt loved until now

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile: RTK

4. High School was: A non-event

5. When I'm nervous: I talk a freaking lot

6. The last time I cried was: Last night, and some tearing up this morning - more to come tonight I’m sure.
7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: AD and JH

9. My hair: Is growing and almost too long, but looks damn cute in a ponytail right now

10. When I was 5: I was first sexually abused by some fucktard who should have known better

11. Last Christmas: Sucked major ass

12. When I turn my head left: The door of my office that random GORGEOUS Indian men walk through continuall -yeah, I work with some freaking hotties.

13. I should be: Working!

14. When I look down I see: The seat of my chair (imagine that 3 years ago.. wouldn’t have happened.. I’d see stomach!)

15. The craziest recent event was: Can I just say this week is crazy, and not even in a good way.
16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: If Monica and Phoebe were to procreate you’d have me, a neurotic yet cute, charming and talented ditz

17. By this time next year: Know what I actually want in life

18. Current Relationship Status: I love him - He loves me, but we are stupid.

19. I have a hard time understanding: Why I keep getting sucked into these bulletins.

20. One time at a family gathering: I up and left and haven’t spoken to family in months

21. You know I "like" you if: I’ve made time in my life to actually see you

22. If I won an award, the first person(people) I'd thank is/are: My Mom and AD

23. Take my advice: Chicks are HOT but boys feel better.

24. My ideal breakfast is: Sleeping in.

25. If you visit a place I grew up: You’d experience ghetto culture

26. Where do you plan to visit anytime soon: San Francisco and Phoenix in spring, Virginia/North Carolina this summer, and possibly New York in the fall -

27. If you spend the night at my house: You’d get woken up by a very cute yet friendly puppy in the very early am.
28. I'd stop my wedding if: What wedding?? Does someone need to tell me something??
29. The world could do without: Tobi Sauers and Daniel Becerra and the likes of them - I’ll add Alain Alejandro to the mix too.. ::washes hands, walks away::
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than date: Ever interact with the two above again - what a waste of good years - if only I knew then what I do now!!

31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: Ummmmm… Starbucks?

32. Most recent thing someone else bought for you: RTK gave me a gift the other day.. ;)
33. My favorite blonde is: JNH!!

34. My favorite brunette is: AED - but she’s a mix right now..

36. The last time I was drunk: At lunch on Sunday with RTK’s friends - it doesn’t take much, I wouldn’t say drunk so much as tossed a bit

37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Gorillas, could you imagine the mess one of those could leave on the window of your car??? OMG

38. I shouldn't have been: As accommodating as I was with people, always trying to please - I lost myself in it

39. Once, at a bar: Shhhh!! I wont tell here what I did there, it was naughty, sexy and damn fun!41. There's this girl I know who: I’d make out with again in a heartbeat

42: I don’t know: What lies ahead for my life.

43. A better name for me would be: I like mine just fine - But Mommy would work too45. How many days until my birthday?: Ummm.. Just over 2 months.. I suck at math

46. What I really want for valentines day is: To actually enjoy it

47. I’m wearing this: Black Gouchoish Dress pants, purple blouse and short jean jacket..

48. Tomorrow I am: Going to take two mid-terms

49. The last thing i ate was: Leftover Fettuccini Alfredo

50. I really want to learn: Who I really am

Time To Move..

Yes, this will be over one day.. I will not speak of it again except in passing, no longer will it be needling at me to solve or act or do - or even just be; as it will be over.

I moved out of my apartment this weekend, and am in the process (after a breif stint with friends) of moving into my own place. I have a deposit on a place in Irvine, but now that I am up here in (near) Fullerton, I'm liking this idea so much better. Irvine may have 'status' but this place has much more and is much more me. Decisions.. If I move up here I hurt someone and lose a very good, very wonderful friendship (yes lose, it must be a clean break, for his sake as well as mine.) My changing and doing this will infuriate him as well - which irks the crap out of me - I understand you love me, but this is MY life, not yours; and hurt him.. ugh.. hurting him - the one thing I try desperately to avoid and end up doing anyway.

My sister called me today to tell me she is preggers - I am ESTATIC for her.. but was left crying over what I know I want and what I know I will not have with RTK - is it odd that I love a child yet conceived? That I know her, or believe that I do.. her name.. her ways.. and that I can see her dancing before me - though she is but a twinkle in my eye. In staying with him I forsake her.. Walk away from her, the hope of her.. and even worse, the promise of her. That thought brings tears every time. I am too old to hope and wish that someone will change. I am too old to deal with the bullshit of the past that was not my fault or my issue. Harsh, but true. He is going to be the recipient of the lessons he has taught me.. does he know? I love his daughter - but she is not mine. I love him, but he is my friend.. and the passion that I desire is not found in him.. elsewhere? yes.. In him - I don't, as much as I want to, believe so. I am loved, I am protected, I am cared for, I am nurtured, I am fretted over, I am adored.. And even this isn't enough for me! To fulfill those desires that run ocean deep in me.. wife and mom wife and mom wife and mom.. I hear it call to me as if the blood in my very veins....... it is who I am.. it is what defines me.. Love, shockingly, is not enough.

I am growing.. I am changing.. I am moving.. I am becoming me - whoever she may be and I love that.

Breaking Me..

Goodbye MyLover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won

So I took what's mine by eternal right

Took your soul out into the night

It may be over but it won't stop there

I am here for you if you'd only care

You touched my heart you touched my soul

You changed my life and all my goals

And love is blind and that I knew when

My heart was blinded by you

I've kissed your lips and held your head

Shared your dreams and shared your bed

I know you well, I know your smell

I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover

Goodbye my friend

You have been the one

You have been the one for me

I am a dreamer but when I wake

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take

And as you move on, remember me

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile

I've watched you sleeping for a while

I'd be the mother of your child

I'd spend a lifetime with you

I know your fears and you know mine

We've had our doubts but now we're fine

And I love you, I swear that's true

I cannot live without you

Goodbye my lover

Goodbye my friend

You have been the one

You have been the one for me

And I still hold your hand in mine

In mine when I'm asleep

And I will bear my soul in time

When I'm kneeling at your feet

Goodbye my lover

Goodbye my friend

You have been the one

You have been the one for me

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow

I'm so.......... I'm so........... I'm so hollow

"You must be the change you want to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I just read this - Its truth, but I'm not quite sure what the change I want to see is.. I have some things to think about.. this cut deeply.

Entry

we stand our ground

even when it hurts

we stand by our words

we smash all fakes

we are not your friends

we live deliberately

we will kill for family

we are all going straight to hell

with smiles and middle fingers

we are the fuck you personified

we are the dirt poets

~~~

C posted this on his livejournal & I liked it.

dirt poets -- classic.