Time To Move..

Yes, this will be over one day.. I will not speak of it again except in passing, no longer will it be needling at me to solve or act or do - or even just be; as it will be over.

I moved out of my apartment this weekend, and am in the process (after a breif stint with friends) of moving into my own place. I have a deposit on a place in Irvine, but now that I am up here in (near) Fullerton, I'm liking this idea so much better. Irvine may have 'status' but this place has much more and is much more me. Decisions.. If I move up here I hurt someone and lose a very good, very wonderful friendship (yes lose, it must be a clean break, for his sake as well as mine.) My changing and doing this will infuriate him as well - which irks the crap out of me - I understand you love me, but this is MY life, not yours; and hurt him.. ugh.. hurting him - the one thing I try desperately to avoid and end up doing anyway.

My sister called me today to tell me she is preggers - I am ESTATIC for her.. but was left crying over what I know I want and what I know I will not have with RTK - is it odd that I love a child yet conceived? That I know her, or believe that I do.. her name.. her ways.. and that I can see her dancing before me - though she is but a twinkle in my eye. In staying with him I forsake her.. Walk away from her, the hope of her.. and even worse, the promise of her. That thought brings tears every time. I am too old to hope and wish that someone will change. I am too old to deal with the bullshit of the past that was not my fault or my issue. Harsh, but true. He is going to be the recipient of the lessons he has taught me.. does he know? I love his daughter - but she is not mine. I love him, but he is my friend.. and the passion that I desire is not found in him.. elsewhere? yes.. In him - I don't, as much as I want to, believe so. I am loved, I am protected, I am cared for, I am nurtured, I am fretted over, I am adored.. And even this isn't enough for me! To fulfill those desires that run ocean deep in me.. wife and mom wife and mom wife and mom.. I hear it call to me as if the blood in my very veins....... it is who I am.. it is what defines me.. Love, shockingly, is not enough.

I am growing.. I am changing.. I am moving.. I am becoming me - whoever she may be and I love that.