Addicted...

I am an addict.   I have always been an addict.  As much as I do not want to admit it, I will always be an addict.  My drug?  Food.  As much of it as possible shoved down my gullet, as quickly as possible.  Regardless of quality (oh yes, I've dug food out of my trash can before) regardless of flavor, regardless of how it is killing me inside, and out.

Insanity is what it is and for a while I was sane, and free - but then  I decided I knew better, that I should be able to eat what I want, when I want, regardless of what FA was telling me and the fact that nearly each of these people have something I want - FREEDOM.  Freedom from the insanity that food brings with it, freedom from the hurt, the cycle of pain, self hatred, degradation, of the loathing... funny thing is, I feel these things because of the food and it only drives me back to food to seek comfort and help, solace, companionship, numbing... 

Ahhh the beauty that the numbness of food brings to me...  The alcoholic and the drug addict can relate - that euphoria of forgetting for even a brief time - forgetting the pain, the imperfection, the sorrow, the hurt, how much you hate yourself and life...  forgetting... and entering into that dulled down state that brings such happiness - FUCK I do love that feeling. Drunkenness.. only on food, not alcohol.  

I want to say, YES I will one day be able to eat normal like a "real" person.  One day I can have a whatever with my family.. one day I will have control over this beast that is killing me from within -  but the truth is I probably never will be able to do that.  I will always have to stay away from those things which trigger me..  Thats the part I hate.. that I don't have a say.. and when I try to my say ends up costing me 14 lost pounds, a ton of pain, the return of massive amounts of negative thinking and self hatred... it robs me of my joy.

Not worth it...

Father, I can't do this apart from you.. I don't know how too.  I need you to help me and guide me every step of the way - I need your hand, your healing, your touch - Your love to free me from myself and this horrid plague.  I have been prideful, resentful... I have placed blame on others - CHANGE me Lord, its not them.. its me, its not the program its me.. Change me Father.. Free me from guilt, from shame, self hatred, shoving.. Free me from me that I may live freely in you and not be trapped in this misery for life.  Help me to be and stay abstinent.    HELP ME.