Lost..

DB has sent you a link to a weblog:

It's sad MJ, I don't feel inclined to judge you nor did I last time I saw you, but your life speaks for itself and you are completely lost MJ, you will be in my prayers.

Blog: The Melting Jar Post: Downhill..

Seeing that I didn’t respond to him personally via email must have sent him over the edge and back to the blog of this terribly horrid (but non-judged kids – remember this..) person – and upon arriving – he found (GASP!) things he did not like.. and the conclusion – of course, the only one a rationally thinking mind can come to is that she is LOST – and her life speaks for its self. Sad – I’m doomed, it’s the eternal fires of hell for me!! BUT WAIT KIDS!! There is hope! He is going to “pray” for me.. Oh yes, the prayers of a pious saint.. I’m SAVED! I have found my salvation and that is all that is needed.. I will now forever bow and eat the table scraps offered to me by this man.. with love and adoration for the sparing of my soul he has offered..

Spare me the piety Fucktard.. Its fake – we know it.. You’re a fake, we know it.. now go back to your hole, crawl in front of your computer, download some more porn and masturbate into your scooby-doo underwear to your hearts content, or at the very least, until TS gets there and maybe you can rub up against her a few times like the old days and have to go change your shorts.. Two pumps and you’re out!

Lets cover the rules of the internet folks – this is a BLOG – this is only a BLOG – This is not real life.. there will NOT be a quiz, there will not be anything after this.. it is merely an outlet.. for me to write, to rant, to rave, to dream to whateverthefuckiwanttodoandsay.. This blog – being just a BLOG – is NOT the sum of who I am.. my writing, yes, but just my writing, not who I am. So if your small mind reads the things I publish here and concludes that this must be who I really am, I’d suggest, perhaps getting off the internet for a time, getting a real life and some real fucking friends.. THIS IS NOT THE REAL WORLD.. It’s the internet Fucktard! (god I love that word!)

Yes these are my words – Yes I put down feeling, emotion and even fact here.. but this is not who I am, merely one facet of the whole.. We forget these things when we spend too much time in cyber-land and not enough in real life – with real people, doing real things.. Lets work on getting a life and perhaps it will lead to a clue. Ok folks?? Yeah, thanks..

One more lesson – if your best friend(s) are those found in your Myspace top 8 and you’ve only met (perhaps) one of them in real life – you’ve got some reality issues to deal with. If you spend more time on the internet than you do connecting with people in real life – again, issues.. If your best “real life” friend is one you have known since high school, you’re 30 and neither one of you have grown as people, accomplished shit and still mooch off family with zero responsibility taken for yourselves.. and perhaps are the closet either of you may come to ever having a real relationship (unless porn and masturbation are now defined as relational), its time to grow the fuck up, move the fuck on and get a fucking life. If you’re a Christian and you feel it necessary to pick out the speck in my eye please remove the plank in yours as it really smarts when that thing hits me upside the head in your futile attempts to “help” me.

Oh and Fucktard – need I remind you that the last time you were at my house, had we been alone or had I given your sorry small ass dick (and no, your lack of girth doesn’t compensate for shit either.. if the girth and the length aren’t there what do you get? A formerly cute 6’4” man with a dick the size of .. well, kids lets just say small) the chance, you would have fucked me two sides of tomorrow (HAHAHA) with your stunning 3 pump action – before rolling off me and acting like it should have been the best sex of my life.. yeah, how quickly you forget.. wasn’t my hands all over you, wasn’t me touching you all night – NOPE – hasn’t been for a long ass time.. I.E. I’VE BEEN OVER IT FUCKTARD -

I’m sensing a bit of bitterness coming from me! Oh no! What to do?? Quick, someone call a prayer meeting, bring in the Holy Water – I’m in need of an exorcism.. or perhaps, I’m venting and this, again is not real fucking life. OMG – did I just say Fuck? Shit I hate it when I talk like that.. Dammit – there I go again.. I love it when we as Christians get our spiritual and cultural lines blurred and judge based upon those things we perceive as fact (cussing, smoking, drinking – all cultural issues). I also hate it when we take things too literally when Paul says – frequently – he is speaking as himself rather than on the authority of the Lord.. Calm down people – the Lord is NOT this uptight.. go back to the Bible and lets read it again..

Am I wrong, am I a sinner? HELL YES I AM. And I’m not afraid (as most are) to truly admit it and truly admit that I NEED JESUS – and without Him I’m less than nothing – am I at the point where I am more independent than dependent upon Him? Yes, I am. I am in the midst of finding balance, of finding that precious place that I know exists between the spiritual and the carnal – as I must live in both, we all must live in both and somewhere there is a balance between the two.. I am on that journey to find it.. and often times on a journey you find yourself on unexpected roads.. but they all lead to the same destination.. my road will and is leading me to Jesus.. each step I take is His, each trip, each fall, each triumph on a mountain top I thought unattainable is His – why? Because I am His – Right, wrong, sinner or saint – I am His. That’s the beauty of the Lord, He doesn’t forget what we never fail too.

Oh – and Fucktard, if I am indeed lost – need I remind you then that Jesus is in HOT pursuit of me at this very moment.. he will leave the 99 to go in search of the 1.. I am His, He does not forget this – it is unfortunate that you have.

My response to his false piety:

Spare me your prayers and the false piety DB - I believe, nor need either of them.. Lost is one thing I am not, sorry you think it.. but that’s always been a malady of yours, thinking you're correct when you really don't have a clue. You may have spared me judgment (that wasn't yours to judge in the first place) the last time I saw you, but your brand of grace always has an end, an attachment or requirement in order to be meted out.. Unlike the Lords.. and unlike the Lord, judgment is not yours to dole out..

I'd like to say that it was nice.. but truthfully, I'm just glad its over - has been, and I have been over it for a long while... I grew up, I changed, became me and you don't like it because I no longer cater to you and your whims or fit in any box you would have me to live in.. Unlike others..
Have a nice life.. any further contact from you via email will be deleted unread.

MJ

And AD’s response to me.. cause of course I bcc’d her!

Woooohooooo!!!!!!!!! Go MJ, go MJ, it's your birthday, go MJ! That's what I like to see!

Lost Sinner out!

Downhill..

I received the following email from someone today –

DB has sent you a link to a weblog:

MJ you are going downhill very quickly. You need to revaluate your heart, and possibly go back to therapy.

Blog: The Melting Jar
Post: The Thing About Stupid People..

After much consideration, repenting and tears I have decided that he is correct and I am going to walk on glass shards and whip myself into a repentant euphoria so that I may please him and all the others out there who "see" the error of my ways.

NOT -

Fuck you DB. You are speaking out of turn.. and need to take the plank out of your eye before you choose to focus on the speck in mine. Were you one that I know walks with the Lord and lives what he preaches I may take this into consideration.. But since you're not I disregard it.

I spent 7 years pining after you, wanting you, allowing you to use me.. only to wake up one day and realize that I was pining and wanting nothing - but needed or wanted something to hold onto. You can go and talk to your little girlfriend about me (you two do that well, as I have experienced in the past). She's a good replacement for me - apt, I might say - Couldn't use me any longer for the physical longings that you have, so you moved on to someone who is not as strong as I.. More prey.. and someone who is wholly wrapped up in believing you are all knowing as I once was.. She too may wake up one day, but I'm doubtful as to the clarity of that wake up call - or if it will ever happen..

Judge what you will, judge me if you will - you're free to think and feel as you desire.. but your opinion matters little - You speak of future things to me each time we see each other.. but just so you know.. I played your little game and if believing that I have or had any thought to a future with you gives you worth then fine, but I never did. I'd listen to your ramblings and ask a question or two.. but inside I was laughing.. cause I know I'd never have you because you're the last man I'd want.. you have potential.. but 10 years of potential with no result really equals nothing. Your world is little - your view is little - and you may know a few things about me, but you know me not at all.. and therefore have no right to judge about an obvious "rant" that I published.. Please don't act as if you've never "ranted" to an extreme.. we know you have.. and please don't be pious and try to make me think you're some sort of spiritual leader - you're not - nor do you have any say in my life..

To quote my best friend in a very wonderful email - ahh hell, I'll just publish them, they were fantastic, right on and worthy..

AD, DB – somehow found and read my blog thingy.. and emailed me late last night to tell me that I’ve gone downhill quickly and need to re-evaluate my heart and go back to therapy. I feel so confirmed and warm n fuzzy inside!

Response: #1 -- Did you tell him to quit boinking TS and get out of your life? That his disapproval of you only further validates your love for who you have become? That he’s a worthless slug of a man who is a complete waste of space?

My response:

I LOVE ME SOME AD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =) I needed to hear that!

Response #2 -- I know you needed to hear it. Keep telling yourself that, too. He’s useless – he has no ambition, no drive, no SPINE and no place in your life whatsoever. He can talk all he wants – his opinion only matters in his own mind – and possibly TS's. You are a beautiful, intelligent, fun, warm, caring, BALANCED woman – and I am SO glad that you’re part of my life. And I’m equally glad that DB’s NOT part of your life. Flush his email down the toilet where you dispose of your other waste products.

-- I love this woman..

She lived with me through all of the turmoil and emotional manipulation that this man (child) put me through.. and she's right about what she says about him..

Oh - and DB - that premature ejaculation thing.. yeah, I may have said or acted like it didn't matter, but it does - girls lie cause we don't want to hurt your ego. It matters a lot.. So does the whole bad breath and balding thing - and the fact that kissing you feels like my head is being drilled to a pillow and you want to swallow my tonsils.. If you can ever manange to finish something and write that book one day, rather than wasting your life on your bed or the computer - it will be incredible, you're talented - but you waste a good thing.. See you in the afterlife.. Thanks for letting me suck your dick all those years and treating me like shit - it did wonders for my self esteem!! What a gem you are!

As for the downhill thing - I may not be where and what I was a few years ago (approved of and applauded by Churchianity, but I'm much more real and happier than I was then. I was a fraud.. truly. The Lord knows exactly where I am and what I am doing, His hand is firmly on me - He will never let me go. Ever.. And I know that all of the things that are going on and that I'm "doing" or not doing will be worked out.. perfectly.. the gifts and calling of the Lord are given without repentance.. and the Lord knows my heart..

So often we as Christians sit and judge from the outward appearance and never see the heart.. Were we not warned of this in I Samuel - when the prophet judged by the outward appearance.. but the Lord judges the heart.. its flipped a little - but still - He alone knows where my heart is and He alone will deal or not deal with any issues which need dealing.. The rest is no one's business.. Christians forget this - wanting to interfere and make things happen in their time - in their way..

I am loved - By the Lord, by my friends, by RK, and more so, by myself now - I am at peace with who and how I am and the decisions that I make for my life – mistakes or sin or what have you – they are mine, and I alone live with the consequences. I am no longer one who is tossed to and fro by the winds of others opinions.. They matter not at all to me, even if I like them. I am the woman I want to be, and I am becoming.. Even more so - Who I know I really am.

If some pathetic creatures of my past dislike this or want to gossip about me or it.. then so be it..

I am free and that is beautiful.

The Thing About Stupid People..

I have two roommates. These two roommates are a married couple. Said married couple are 30 and 27 and don't have a pot to piss in after 10 years of marriage. I am a tad older, a tad better off financially (hasn't always been so - ok, it has) and a hell of a lot more mature and responsible than either one of these two can even dream of being. And I am going crazy.

Since the day I let them move in I have been STRESSED OUT!!! I should have know better.. I should have listened to the (many) people who told me not to let them move in - I should have listened to RK who found out after only knowing me for 3 days - and advised against it - EMPHATICALLY. (He's a smart boy that one - I'm keeping him around! Have I mentioned recently that I'm crazy about him too? Yeah, yeah, I know.. sappy pathetic little me..)

Anyway - I cannot even begin to expound to you the joys of coming home and seeing her fat ass sitting down (eating, always eating) after having done what all day? Yes kids, you guessed it!! Sitting down and doing not a DAMN thing - cause why help your husband who only makes $13 bucks an hour (minimum wage in OC where I live is considered 35k a year - just to survive) to get somewhere where you can live alone as a couple and have a fucking pot to piss in? Nah - we're too good for that apparently. This is a woman (girl) who has never held a job for more than a month, if that, in the time that I have known her (10+ years).

And he loves to be a pussy and not have a back bone and LOVES to not be able to see past his ass to solve a problem. He is also prone to NOT PAYING what he owes and stressing me the fuck out by not letting me know what is going on with ANYTHING EVER! They - drive me crazy. I HATE coming home, I hate being in my very very cute apartment - ALL of which I bought and paid for.. I HATE IT HERE.. I feel like I have to hide or stay at RK's all the time.. and that pisses me off to no end.

There used to be a friendship - but that is before I realised that I have NOTHING in common with these two people. I'm motivated, educated, have a life, have aspirations beyond the next cheesecake, and have deep and true friends that I know how to treat as friends.

The thing that really pisses me off - he told me when he moved in that he felt he needed to be here for me - the God card.. yes, ladies and gentlemen - the God card.. apparently God told him he needed to be here to take care of me. Fuck that shit. God - no, the Lord can take care of me and for me just fine on His own.. doesn't need these two to do it and I certianly don't need them to do it.. AT ALL.

So now what? I'm moving. Or I'm looking for a place to move ASAP. My sister and her husband have a one bedroom apt not far from where I am that would be perfect for me - $900 including utilities. That would kick ass, and i'd have a place for a little garden and a garage. The ONLY bummer is that my SUPER cute dining room set would have to be put into storage for a while.. but oh well.. such is life.. i just need to live alone. I dont live with others well. RK - ?? Perhaps I could live with him one day.. but lets not think about that right now..

I want out or I want them out.. NOW! I can't take it anymore.. I hate being stressed out.. I hate being the only one who cleans.. I hate not trusting a thing that comes out of his mouth regarding money.. and knowing that somehow, somewhere I AM GOING TO GET SCREWED!! I hate living with other people right now is really what it comes down too.. I need my own space, my own place.. I need to be alone.

The friendship wasn't really there anymore before they moved in, I doubt it will be there much after - the sad thing is, is that I won't miss it.. I already don't.

Olive Juice

With all of my heart.