Downhill..

I received the following email from someone today –

DB has sent you a link to a weblog:

MJ you are going downhill very quickly. You need to revaluate your heart, and possibly go back to therapy.

Blog: The Melting Jar
Post: The Thing About Stupid People..

After much consideration, repenting and tears I have decided that he is correct and I am going to walk on glass shards and whip myself into a repentant euphoria so that I may please him and all the others out there who "see" the error of my ways.

NOT -

Fuck you DB. You are speaking out of turn.. and need to take the plank out of your eye before you choose to focus on the speck in mine. Were you one that I know walks with the Lord and lives what he preaches I may take this into consideration.. But since you're not I disregard it.

I spent 7 years pining after you, wanting you, allowing you to use me.. only to wake up one day and realize that I was pining and wanting nothing - but needed or wanted something to hold onto. You can go and talk to your little girlfriend about me (you two do that well, as I have experienced in the past). She's a good replacement for me - apt, I might say - Couldn't use me any longer for the physical longings that you have, so you moved on to someone who is not as strong as I.. More prey.. and someone who is wholly wrapped up in believing you are all knowing as I once was.. She too may wake up one day, but I'm doubtful as to the clarity of that wake up call - or if it will ever happen..

Judge what you will, judge me if you will - you're free to think and feel as you desire.. but your opinion matters little - You speak of future things to me each time we see each other.. but just so you know.. I played your little game and if believing that I have or had any thought to a future with you gives you worth then fine, but I never did. I'd listen to your ramblings and ask a question or two.. but inside I was laughing.. cause I know I'd never have you because you're the last man I'd want.. you have potential.. but 10 years of potential with no result really equals nothing. Your world is little - your view is little - and you may know a few things about me, but you know me not at all.. and therefore have no right to judge about an obvious "rant" that I published.. Please don't act as if you've never "ranted" to an extreme.. we know you have.. and please don't be pious and try to make me think you're some sort of spiritual leader - you're not - nor do you have any say in my life..

To quote my best friend in a very wonderful email - ahh hell, I'll just publish them, they were fantastic, right on and worthy..

AD, DB – somehow found and read my blog thingy.. and emailed me late last night to tell me that I’ve gone downhill quickly and need to re-evaluate my heart and go back to therapy. I feel so confirmed and warm n fuzzy inside!

Response: #1 -- Did you tell him to quit boinking TS and get out of your life? That his disapproval of you only further validates your love for who you have become? That he’s a worthless slug of a man who is a complete waste of space?

My response:

I LOVE ME SOME AD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =) I needed to hear that!

Response #2 -- I know you needed to hear it. Keep telling yourself that, too. He’s useless – he has no ambition, no drive, no SPINE and no place in your life whatsoever. He can talk all he wants – his opinion only matters in his own mind – and possibly TS's. You are a beautiful, intelligent, fun, warm, caring, BALANCED woman – and I am SO glad that you’re part of my life. And I’m equally glad that DB’s NOT part of your life. Flush his email down the toilet where you dispose of your other waste products.

-- I love this woman..

She lived with me through all of the turmoil and emotional manipulation that this man (child) put me through.. and she's right about what she says about him..

Oh - and DB - that premature ejaculation thing.. yeah, I may have said or acted like it didn't matter, but it does - girls lie cause we don't want to hurt your ego. It matters a lot.. So does the whole bad breath and balding thing - and the fact that kissing you feels like my head is being drilled to a pillow and you want to swallow my tonsils.. If you can ever manange to finish something and write that book one day, rather than wasting your life on your bed or the computer - it will be incredible, you're talented - but you waste a good thing.. See you in the afterlife.. Thanks for letting me suck your dick all those years and treating me like shit - it did wonders for my self esteem!! What a gem you are!

As for the downhill thing - I may not be where and what I was a few years ago (approved of and applauded by Churchianity, but I'm much more real and happier than I was then. I was a fraud.. truly. The Lord knows exactly where I am and what I am doing, His hand is firmly on me - He will never let me go. Ever.. And I know that all of the things that are going on and that I'm "doing" or not doing will be worked out.. perfectly.. the gifts and calling of the Lord are given without repentance.. and the Lord knows my heart..

So often we as Christians sit and judge from the outward appearance and never see the heart.. Were we not warned of this in I Samuel - when the prophet judged by the outward appearance.. but the Lord judges the heart.. its flipped a little - but still - He alone knows where my heart is and He alone will deal or not deal with any issues which need dealing.. The rest is no one's business.. Christians forget this - wanting to interfere and make things happen in their time - in their way..

I am loved - By the Lord, by my friends, by RK, and more so, by myself now - I am at peace with who and how I am and the decisions that I make for my life – mistakes or sin or what have you – they are mine, and I alone live with the consequences. I am no longer one who is tossed to and fro by the winds of others opinions.. They matter not at all to me, even if I like them. I am the woman I want to be, and I am becoming.. Even more so - Who I know I really am.

If some pathetic creatures of my past dislike this or want to gossip about me or it.. then so be it..

I am free and that is beautiful.