MERRY CHRISTMAS?
Anyone else hate this fucking holiday as much as I do? Never have I had a good Christmas - no, I take that back, I've had two - the first year I was in Oregon at my friends house, and last year with DH - then our world started to unravel..
Either way - I really do hate this day.. these days.. I went to a family thing today and then skipped out on the rest of the family events because this one was so traumatic.. what is it about the holidays that brings out the best (read: worst) in your family members? Do they save up nastyness throughout the year to bestow upon us on a day when everyone is supposed to be happy and cheery? I think they might. Needless to say, I got up and walked out of the house and left without saying goodbye to a soul. I don't think I will ever talk to my grandparents again - fine if your bitter, fine if life didnt take you where you thought it should and delt you some crappy cards.. but ITS NOT MY FAULT! Don't take your bullshit out on me. I deserve better, and demand better. period.
And then there is the boy - yes, I do love him. But - yes, always a but. And he doesn't understand this (I've tried to break up with him 3 times now and been completely unsuccessful) - I NEED TO BE FREE TO PURSUE WHAT IT IS THAT I WANT TO HAVE IN LIFE! I want a baby, desperately! and I want to be married. Neither of these are an option with him, so why should I stay? Why should I be expected to stay so he can be happy. when I will be miserable that I've given up my hearts most precious desires? I can't. I can't give these things up.
He makes me happy, and I see ways that be both desperately need each other in our lives - I motivate him, he has a hard time getting things (not all things) done on his own.. and he brings me back to reality as my head often makes appearances in the clouds dwelling on the ridiculous, rather than on reality. There is more, but those are two big things.
I am by nature and character a nurturer, so being the helpmeet of someone is rather easy for me. I also love very easily - which is more of a drawback then a blessing - and I think is going to get me into trouble here. I know that within the next 2 weeks I will (again) try to break this off with him so that I can go and do what I need to do, and he can be free to find a girl who will be happy with just the basics of a relationship and not want the meat of it or life.. That is not this girl, nor will it ever be.
I need free... -- does anybody understand that?
Either way - I really do hate this day.. these days.. I went to a family thing today and then skipped out on the rest of the family events because this one was so traumatic.. what is it about the holidays that brings out the best (read: worst) in your family members? Do they save up nastyness throughout the year to bestow upon us on a day when everyone is supposed to be happy and cheery? I think they might. Needless to say, I got up and walked out of the house and left without saying goodbye to a soul. I don't think I will ever talk to my grandparents again - fine if your bitter, fine if life didnt take you where you thought it should and delt you some crappy cards.. but ITS NOT MY FAULT! Don't take your bullshit out on me. I deserve better, and demand better. period.
And then there is the boy - yes, I do love him. But - yes, always a but. And he doesn't understand this (I've tried to break up with him 3 times now and been completely unsuccessful) - I NEED TO BE FREE TO PURSUE WHAT IT IS THAT I WANT TO HAVE IN LIFE! I want a baby, desperately! and I want to be married. Neither of these are an option with him, so why should I stay? Why should I be expected to stay so he can be happy. when I will be miserable that I've given up my hearts most precious desires? I can't. I can't give these things up.
He makes me happy, and I see ways that be both desperately need each other in our lives - I motivate him, he has a hard time getting things (not all things) done on his own.. and he brings me back to reality as my head often makes appearances in the clouds dwelling on the ridiculous, rather than on reality. There is more, but those are two big things.
I am by nature and character a nurturer, so being the helpmeet of someone is rather easy for me. I also love very easily - which is more of a drawback then a blessing - and I think is going to get me into trouble here. I know that within the next 2 weeks I will (again) try to break this off with him so that I can go and do what I need to do, and he can be free to find a girl who will be happy with just the basics of a relationship and not want the meat of it or life.. That is not this girl, nor will it ever be.
I need free... -- does anybody understand that?
posted by The Melting Jar at 3:09 AM
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