Predicament..

3 months ago I was engaged to a man whose world I was caught up in and whose lies I allowed myself to believe, because at the time, that was what I wanted.

5 days after I broke off the engagement and cut off contact with him I met a guy through my best friend - someone she had dated before she was married, and someone for whom she had a ton of respect. I'd heard his name on a few occasions, but never gave any thought to him.. he was, after all, her cast off, or something of the sort.

We met that day - 3 months ago and have been dating ever since - seeing each other everyday, and if we dont see each other (which is a rarity) we are on the phone.. its been fantastic.. and fun.. more than fun. He has become the life of my party.. and a rock upon which I can rely for anything and everything -

RAH!!!

And now -- and now!!????? We spent the weekend together (go figure – like every other one)) and everytime I looked at him my heart would leap and I would think - I love you.. OMG.. i CANT fall in love with this guy.. and all I could think was FUCK! This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm NOT supposed to love him, friends, dating - thats it.. until later we go our seperate ways and I find that love I believe in, the one like the movies only real, with gas, and stinky morning breath, and imperfections not perfectly tied up by the credits.. the one that I know is out there for me. And he goes on to the plethora of girls he thinks (lies) will make him happy, and the I am an island mentality that he has so that he wont get hurt. And I go back to Jesus and thump my bible and he watchs porn and makes happy with himself.. something like that right? that should be the senario.. our fling- was just that.. a series of special events that occoured.. and then we just walk away, no broken hearts, no strings attached.. only good memories and warm fuzzies.

NOT LOVE or the beginings of it.. ANYTHING but that.. This isn't supposed to be. He is my polar opposite. He is everything I am not - both good and bad.. but there is, at the same time so much that we do share - and how much we enjoy each other. He is my best friend. And the deeper feelings I have for him the more I treat him like crap – gotta push him away you know – and the more I treat him like crap the more I see this heart of absolute gold that cares for me despite my imperfections and doesn’t expect anything of me, except for me to be me.

This has snuck up and is definately going to bite me on the ass, I can feel it. I am going to suffer heartbreak here. I WASNT heartbroken over this last guy - at all, it was like a blip on the map for me, almost as if it didnt happen, ex cept the bad taste of his name reverberates in my head at times - ugh.. but this one? diffrent.. 3 months already - I don't do 3 month long things, i don't do relationships - I suck at them. Perhaps that is why this is working. We don't call it that. We are dating, we are friends, we are nothing more than that. We are in denial. And I am falling in love with him.

I'm going to get burnt and there will be tears.

FUCK!