Changes..
Things are changing.. I am changing.. Again.. I have felt so aimless.. Without purpose, without - I don't know.. A goal. And everytime I turn around, regret, regret, regret.. and pent up anger because of that regret - (depression is the manifestation of repressed anger a wise man told me the other day.. TRUTH!). I view myself as a failure in ways, because I never finished college.. it is my one true regret - everything else (mistakes, or not mistakes) have been learning experiences. But not finishing college.. REGRET!!!
I look back at it all the time and think - "Why didn't I?" I could have, I had the time, I had the means, I had the ways.. but I failed to take advantage of what was given to me, because I thought in my pithy little messed up (over spiritualized) head - that it wasn't important. And now, 10-12 years later I look back and I wish..
Though the world and my biological clock try to tell me otherwise, I am still young (34) and I am in a position where this is possible.. I CAN DO THIS. It will be harder now, and cost me a small fortune - but I can do it.. I know I can. And I don't just know I can, I NEED to do it.. desperately need to do it.. its all I've been able to think about for weeks now. So off I go - back to college.
And I'm going to kill myself to get 2 degrees in about 3 years - oh the joys of the overacheiver!
I start back at Bible College in September - going to complete what I started while working towards the other degrees. This is for me ALONE! I need the spiritual input, the study - so much, and most importantly the grounding from being in the Word.. and to return to the Lord - submissively - only I fear becoming what I used to be.. closed off and "perfect." I hate that me. I never want to be her again.. but there were good parts to her.. so hopefully I find balance.
Shortly thereafter I begin classes online to finish my GE units - 11k later it better be worth it! When both of these are finished I need to find a good Spanish class and I'll begin my Bachelors degree in Psych (the first part should take about 13 months, the bach about 22). And I will be done.. a double major (psych and biblical studies).. and off to pursue the elusive graduate degree.. and sink my butt further into debt - woo hoo!! Lord help!? Makes me want to puke.. but my friends with school debt tell me that its worth it.. They better be right!
I have more purpose.. I have a goal. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a psych major, since I was about 17 or so.. if not before.. It is my gifting - Counseling.. Exhortation.. etc.. and I love it.. that and writing.. oh!! to write psych books!! there we go.. rake it in baby.. hahaha - no!
At any rate, I am out of the doldrums - for the most part. There are other issues that need to be dealt with, but all in time.. all in time..
I look back at it all the time and think - "Why didn't I?" I could have, I had the time, I had the means, I had the ways.. but I failed to take advantage of what was given to me, because I thought in my pithy little messed up (over spiritualized) head - that it wasn't important. And now, 10-12 years later I look back and I wish..
Though the world and my biological clock try to tell me otherwise, I am still young (34) and I am in a position where this is possible.. I CAN DO THIS. It will be harder now, and cost me a small fortune - but I can do it.. I know I can. And I don't just know I can, I NEED to do it.. desperately need to do it.. its all I've been able to think about for weeks now. So off I go - back to college.
And I'm going to kill myself to get 2 degrees in about 3 years - oh the joys of the overacheiver!
I start back at Bible College in September - going to complete what I started while working towards the other degrees. This is for me ALONE! I need the spiritual input, the study - so much, and most importantly the grounding from being in the Word.. and to return to the Lord - submissively - only I fear becoming what I used to be.. closed off and "perfect." I hate that me. I never want to be her again.. but there were good parts to her.. so hopefully I find balance.
Shortly thereafter I begin classes online to finish my GE units - 11k later it better be worth it! When both of these are finished I need to find a good Spanish class and I'll begin my Bachelors degree in Psych (the first part should take about 13 months, the bach about 22). And I will be done.. a double major (psych and biblical studies).. and off to pursue the elusive graduate degree.. and sink my butt further into debt - woo hoo!! Lord help!? Makes me want to puke.. but my friends with school debt tell me that its worth it.. They better be right!
I have more purpose.. I have a goal. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a psych major, since I was about 17 or so.. if not before.. It is my gifting - Counseling.. Exhortation.. etc.. and I love it.. that and writing.. oh!! to write psych books!! there we go.. rake it in baby.. hahaha - no!
At any rate, I am out of the doldrums - for the most part. There are other issues that need to be dealt with, but all in time.. all in time..
posted by The Melting Jar at 10:23 PM
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