The Merit of the Man..
The Merit of the Man..
Seems to me that this week has been rather big in my life.. I’ve learned things I never thought I would, seen things in myself I never thought I’d see (or be capable of for that matter), and stepped beneath myself in order to hurt someone I used to love, and rid my life of his presence.. an act of desperation? Yes.. I saw no other way and I still don’t.
David.. sweet, precious, lovely David.. The only man I have ever really loved with my whole heart.. David.. who stormed into my life breaking down the barricades of my heart, sweeping me off my feet.. and loving me like I’d never been loved before.. fireworks.. passion.. love.. commitme?? Commithuh? No.. seemingly that is what he was.. when essentially he doesn’t know what the word means.. no.. he didn’t cheat on me.. but rather fled from me in fear.. (I’m a girl and he loved me, therefore I am scary..)
Chasing a rabbit trail there..
Last Saturday I received a text message from him saying we needed to talk – ok, no biggie, we’re still friends, still see each other on occasion (BEHIND his girlfriends back of course.. HA.. wrong..) still talk everyday at work.. still.. still. Still.. play.. toy.. consider the fact that we may still be in love with each other.. say things and wonder things.. toy with ideas.. future.. and I say all of these things to him, with him.. talk to him with a certain emptiness in my heart – as I know what we love, what we want, not each other, but what we had, passion, fireworks.. love.. happiness… contentment in having found what we both wanted.. we love the delusion of that.. not each other any longer..
Anyway.. I call him on Saturday.. and he tells me not to give up on him.. that he’s coming back (he was in Canada) and things are going to change.. we are going to change.. and I cried.. and cried.. because part of me wanted this.. desperately.. the other part of me sees something different, better.. more wonderful – and knows David and I can never work.. its not there.. passion? Yeah, but that only lasts so long.. Love.. the key, commitment, that was lacking..
He got home on Monday, called me Tuesday, came over that night.. and I knew.. deep in my heart, with conviction that I no longer wanted him, no longer loved him in that way.. and that if I were to go along.. I’d become just a fuck… that’s it.. nothing more.. a warm lovely body with which to amuse himself.. like I need more of that BS in my life.. (yeah – men suck like that)..
He had lied to his GF about me – and ever seeing me.. so he left.. and I proceeded to tell her.. everything.. that has taken place between us over the past 4 months since he and I broke up and they got together.. he’s a liar.. and a cheat.. and worse.. not that I was better at one point.. but she needed to know.. and I needed him to be over.. it was over long ago, but like most drugs I couldn’t quite make myself quit.. no matter how disgusted I was with him or it.. In what I did I lowered myself.. lost a bit of who I really am.. lost a part of me I can’t gain back.. and effectively ended any possibilities with him.. and found FREEDOM.. great freedom.. sad that I had to hurt him like that.. but FREEEEE!!! I can’t explain that to any if you don’t understand the trap of it.. stuck in what you do not want with who you do not want to be.. but too tangled to be able to get out..
I cleaned house this week.. rid myself of him, rid myself of other guys I talk to.. held onto.. boys I have collected.. not because I want any of them, but because I know I can have them – there is a certain amount of power in that.. and its power I no longer want to wield.. I want to be who I am.. me..
I loved you once David.. but the man I loved no longer exists – maybe he never did.. he’s become a liar and a cheater.. devious.. and a promise breaker (never break a promise to me.. it doesn’t go over well).. and you only wanted to use me.. I’m not that girl, as you’ve surely found out.. I will never be that girl.. Goodbye love.. you were precious to me once.. and that time – who you were.. what we were will always remain precious to me.. but never again will I look back.. and no softly spoken words or light caresses will ever change my heart, or my mind..
I am done..
Seems to me that this week has been rather big in my life.. I’ve learned things I never thought I would, seen things in myself I never thought I’d see (or be capable of for that matter), and stepped beneath myself in order to hurt someone I used to love, and rid my life of his presence.. an act of desperation? Yes.. I saw no other way and I still don’t.
David.. sweet, precious, lovely David.. The only man I have ever really loved with my whole heart.. David.. who stormed into my life breaking down the barricades of my heart, sweeping me off my feet.. and loving me like I’d never been loved before.. fireworks.. passion.. love.. commitme?? Commithuh? No.. seemingly that is what he was.. when essentially he doesn’t know what the word means.. no.. he didn’t cheat on me.. but rather fled from me in fear.. (I’m a girl and he loved me, therefore I am scary..)
Chasing a rabbit trail there..
Last Saturday I received a text message from him saying we needed to talk – ok, no biggie, we’re still friends, still see each other on occasion (BEHIND his girlfriends back of course.. HA.. wrong..) still talk everyday at work.. still.. still. Still.. play.. toy.. consider the fact that we may still be in love with each other.. say things and wonder things.. toy with ideas.. future.. and I say all of these things to him, with him.. talk to him with a certain emptiness in my heart – as I know what we love, what we want, not each other, but what we had, passion, fireworks.. love.. happiness… contentment in having found what we both wanted.. we love the delusion of that.. not each other any longer..
Anyway.. I call him on Saturday.. and he tells me not to give up on him.. that he’s coming back (he was in Canada) and things are going to change.. we are going to change.. and I cried.. and cried.. because part of me wanted this.. desperately.. the other part of me sees something different, better.. more wonderful – and knows David and I can never work.. its not there.. passion? Yeah, but that only lasts so long.. Love.. the key, commitment, that was lacking..
He got home on Monday, called me Tuesday, came over that night.. and I knew.. deep in my heart, with conviction that I no longer wanted him, no longer loved him in that way.. and that if I were to go along.. I’d become just a fuck… that’s it.. nothing more.. a warm lovely body with which to amuse himself.. like I need more of that BS in my life.. (yeah – men suck like that)..
He had lied to his GF about me – and ever seeing me.. so he left.. and I proceeded to tell her.. everything.. that has taken place between us over the past 4 months since he and I broke up and they got together.. he’s a liar.. and a cheat.. and worse.. not that I was better at one point.. but she needed to know.. and I needed him to be over.. it was over long ago, but like most drugs I couldn’t quite make myself quit.. no matter how disgusted I was with him or it.. In what I did I lowered myself.. lost a bit of who I really am.. lost a part of me I can’t gain back.. and effectively ended any possibilities with him.. and found FREEDOM.. great freedom.. sad that I had to hurt him like that.. but FREEEEE!!! I can’t explain that to any if you don’t understand the trap of it.. stuck in what you do not want with who you do not want to be.. but too tangled to be able to get out..
I cleaned house this week.. rid myself of him, rid myself of other guys I talk to.. held onto.. boys I have collected.. not because I want any of them, but because I know I can have them – there is a certain amount of power in that.. and its power I no longer want to wield.. I want to be who I am.. me..
I loved you once David.. but the man I loved no longer exists – maybe he never did.. he’s become a liar and a cheater.. devious.. and a promise breaker (never break a promise to me.. it doesn’t go over well).. and you only wanted to use me.. I’m not that girl, as you’ve surely found out.. I will never be that girl.. Goodbye love.. you were precious to me once.. and that time – who you were.. what we were will always remain precious to me.. but never again will I look back.. and no softly spoken words or light caresses will ever change my heart, or my mind..
I am done..
posted by The Melting Jar at 2:48 PM
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