I Tried..

To break things off with him last night - in fact, had my heart set on it. I'm only going to get hurt here - not him (yeah right, like I believe that crap..) and its going to hurt big time when it happens - especially if I let this continue on the path that it is on.

I am not in denial. I see it for what it is. We are NOT "dating" we are more than that, and I do not merely have feelings for him, I am falling in love with him - And that scares the shit out of me. It was supposed to be a fling - right?

So I tell him, convinced that it is best, that I need to drop us down to just friends and need time away from him in order to get over this and move on. On the other end of the phone - silence - I know he's mad, and I know he's hurt.. but I was determined to do it, that it was the best choice for me (and no, I would not have regreted it at that time, or any point in time after that, I knew what I was doing).

And then he started talking, and out came his heart - not in the words I would have wanted (because I'm a girl, and we like that mushy crap) but his heart poured forth and how much he cares for me showed through, and how (gasp) he's willing to consider things in the future (basically) that he wouldn't consider right now, because neither of us are ready for it. And that I need to hold on and not do this and just let this happen.. and that I'm being a "silly girl." Me?

I melted. Here is this guy, terrified of being hurt again, terrified of commitment and various other things, says he doesn't believe the love they show in movies is real (he lies to protect) doesnt trust women - hell, doesnt trust many or let them in.. here he is - has been - opening the doors (walls) of his world and letting me in more than he has any other - ever. And he talked and I melted - and (GRR!) my heart changed (didn't take much - bastard) and we laughed, and I saw again how special this one is - to me, to my life. I blame Autumn. ;P

And me - well, I love this man, am falling in love with him - am fighting every step of it, and trying (in vain I believe) to convince him that this (leaving) is best and scared of getting hurt - I think he is, perhaps, the most real person I've ever had in my life - Polar opposite yes, but so much of what I need - and I hate that, it humbles me too much, and reminds me that I'm weak - I am doomed.