Heart Changes..

I just found out my ex got engaged this past weekend (yes, Christmas - how blase). A while back (last Spring) this news would have killed me - and now? I don't care at all. She is engaged to a man who cheated on her for 6 of the 9 months they have been together (yes, with me and one other person), she's caught a winner there - I hope she can be happy looking into his eyes knowing the things she knows (yes, she knows it all) and knowing she can not trust him - that he's a cheater, liar and a coward. No backbone this one - none at all.

Its funny to me that this is the only man I can say I have been truly in love with - (no, even RK is not loved like DH was, not yet anyway - and who knows if he shall ever be - I don't) - I pinned so much hope on this guy - and was so broken when he broke up with me, for no apparent reason. Then I was given the gift of time and hindsight - and the ability to step back from him and the situation and view him in his true state. All he ever did was bitch at me about work and life and how he never had enough money, and how this this that and the other was wrong - and me? I made him feel good about all of those things - was a calm in his storm, till life got real and he fled. He wasn't as smart or evolved as I am emotionally - completely unable to look at life and analyze what needed to be done to get to the next step and to grow as a person. And completely unable to see that I needed depth - and that I was constantly growing and changing - and that it is always going to be like this for me. He was a great guy - a beautiful man - We had incredible sex.. FUCK - we had great sex.. even after - but without the love that was there before it lacked.. for me hugely, and became just fucking - empty.

Sex with RK is way better - there is something about this man that gets me - and I'm good to go all the time with him, as I've never been before - and I want him more - and I respond on a completely different level than I ever have before - I love it!

But DH - and she are getting married. A part of me still hates him, a part of me hates her for having what was promised to me - But mostly - I don't feel anything, except releif that I was freed of him before I married him and spent the rest of my life with someone who bored me and didn't challenge me at all. Very releived.

Often we (as I did) stand too long looking a door thats closed on us rather than turning to see the window thats just been flung open and all the new possibilities that lay beyond.. Cheesy - but so true.