Come What May..

Is there a time a person goes through where they are just ready to love and be loved.. A season of sorts?

I find myself at odds with this – all the while being in the midst of it.

Quick synopsis of my life as of late..

First there is boy #1 – he’s living with me right now (till he finds an apartment) – we had a thing.. and at times the ‘thing’ is still there – more out of convenience than anything else – I adore this man, but know that we are not for each other – and any physical affection towards him and for him stems more from our great friendship and the need for that type of connection that I have right now.. He’s wonderful – he doesn’t believe it.. but he is.. neither of us are made for the other.. but if ever there was one I could settle on – settle for and try.. it would be him.. you will ALWAYS have a place in my heart – and I wish you more success and luck that you ever thought possible.. I love you – You have been nothing but wonderful to me.. I can’t wait to see you succeed.. and I know you will..

So he is staying with me.. and we sleep in the same bed.. pretty platonic though – ‘cept sometimes when we’re lonely or whatever.. more I dunno.. need/availability – rather than us really wanting to be with each other.

During our duration together I’ve dated other guys and always come back to him because he is comfortable and a companion – he makes me laugh.. and he is safe after having been broken so badly last winter.. all the while knowing that this wasn’t it, but for now it was good.

A few weeks ago I met another boy who kind of knocked my socks off – and I liked him quite a bit – but even that was imperfect – and fizzled out after a short time..

And I wondered (wonder) if there wasn’t more out there – knowing what my heart is longing for – a man who loves the Lord, but can be real at the same time and not have to be pious and religious.. someone who isn’t afraid to bust out the bible, go to church and get down and dirty with life after.. someone balanced, flawed and wonderful.. someone who understands that I love the Lord and knows where I’m coming from when I talk about it – this MOST important thing to me..

As I would drive and think about these things I would often question God as to the existence of such a person – is there a man out there who can accept the fact that I listen to Godsmack and Bad Religion and love the Lord?? Who understands that we are fallible flesh and know that the Lord is working these things out in each of our hearts.. who will let me have the issues with Christianity that I have right now – and not try to change me but to allow me to go through the process that the Lord has set before me for growth and future ministry – someone with a passion for the Word who can actually teach me (a rarity among men because of my education and background in that area..) someone who can drop the F-Bomb and sing praises to God – someone who knows that my saying “Oh my god” isn’t taking the Lords name in vain.. but that my doing something in His name for my own profit and gain is. Someone who knows that love is NOT an emotion, but a commitment – and can look at me in my weakness’ and frail flesh and be committed to me despite.. someone who knows he fails and is at peace with it.. someone who can lead me to the Lord and love me as the Lord does, but doesn’t require perfection from me.. does this man exist?? Is he out there?? Is he real? Does such a Christian exist?

And now.. well now.. there is this someone else.. a random person – who at first I gave no real thought of other than he was nice – and didn’t get all sexual on me the first couple of times we talked (he saved it for later!!) then one day he posted something and it struck me that this guy must surly be a Christian.. so I asked.. and so he was.. and then we started talking outside of MySpace.. and talking.. and talking.. and he txt’s me in the mornings waking me up with flattery and hello’s.. and txts me all day long at work.. we didn’t even talk on the phone till sometime late last week for the first time.. and then yesterday – I was interested before.. but yesterday broke a floodgate for me.. there was real fellowship – and more.. (read above paragraph.. he fits it..) NOT saying he’s the one for me.. geez.. I’ve not even met this person.. but there is potential there.. grand potential.. who knows.. there are things.. there are always things.. we’ll figure it out I’m sure.. and boy #1 wants nothing more than for me to be happy.. but I still wouldn’t want to do this with him staying at my house.. weirdness.. who knows what will happen..

It could fizzle as well.. and then there is the body factor.. try losing 165lbs and have your body look normal.. extra skin, saggy things.. gooey tummy.. ICKINESS – I look great in clothes.. but unwrapped.. ugh. So I worry no one would ever be able to deal or be attracted to me.. and if they were initially, they wouldn’t be after.. ugh ugh ugh.. didn’t my Grandma always tell me that no one will ever love me if I look like this?? I have the potential to make that a self fulfilling prophecy..

Back to the season thing – I have “loved” several people in the last year.. one I was truly in love with.. the rest I love, for sure.. but not in love with.. not that way – but I feel like I’m in a place where I am SOOO ready to give my heart away to any worthy (note: worthy) man – and so ready to be taken care of and loved by the same.. it just scares me that I might be setting myself up for heartache by being in this mode. It would be too easy to develop feelings for someone only to have it turn out later that it never should have been..

But then.. the others.. they all were good for the time they were in.. all of them.. ‘cept that one – good came from it.. but he served no good purpose in my life.. ugh.. but the rest.. those I have loved.. cherished.. adored.. each of them have added to me in ways unimaginable.. and I regret none of them.. there is beauty in loving another person.. if even for a short time..

Who knows what will happen with this one – I just want to sit back and watch and enjoy it for what it is.. not stress.. not worry (so unlike me) and just live it.. and allow it.. come what may.