Raises Hand

What kind of idiot goes on a diet (ok, more change of lifestyle in a drastic way) the WEEK before Christmas?

Yeah, that’s right, yours truly. What a dumbass, do I not think about these things beforehand? ::rolls eyes::

There is a guy I went out on a few dates with just before I met and got engaged to psycho-ex. A called me again a few weeks ago and wanted to go out again - but time prevented it for both of us. At the time I was more than willing to ditch RK and date others - as RK has commitment issues or whatever.. now? God, the mere thought of going out with someone else does not appeal. FUCK. If I stay with this guy, and love him as I do, I will never have a baby - or so it seems, and possibly never marry, or so it seems.. He is, after all, anti to all of it.

Off to a Christmas party at my tat guys house tonight, to be ogled by B-the artist who creates neat shit - who wants to sleep with me, nice - are you all the same? and someone I don't think I would ever seriously date. Who the hell am I kidding? I don't want to date either of these guys.. RK - FUCK YOU!! Bastard, wheedled me in with charm and cute faces, beautiful brown eyes and a freaking heart of gold. Fucker.

=)~

Like I'm really complaining.

Dammit.. now to go brave with the rest of the universe the mad Christmas rush that is on right now..

I leave you with this thought..

There is something I like about the clitoris, I just can't put my finger on it.

Toodles..

URH..

Ok - I keep coming back here to write becuase its the only place I can really go right now. Only one person knows about this - and my heart and mind are going BONKERS! I love this guy.. FUCK!! SHIT!! DAMN!! FUCKKK!! DAMMIT!! It WAS NOT supposed to be this way at all! It was supposed to be a fling.. and off to other things..

But all I can think, and all I can feel is love - FUCK! Why do I have to be one of those girls who can't just fuck and date.. why do I have to go and have "feelings" for this person.. and why does he have to feel the same way? Huh? Tell me? This is NOT fair. Not fair at all..

And every beat that goes by.. again and again.. I love him.. how pathetic am I?

I Tried..

To break things off with him last night - in fact, had my heart set on it. I'm only going to get hurt here - not him (yeah right, like I believe that crap..) and its going to hurt big time when it happens - especially if I let this continue on the path that it is on.

I am not in denial. I see it for what it is. We are NOT "dating" we are more than that, and I do not merely have feelings for him, I am falling in love with him - And that scares the shit out of me. It was supposed to be a fling - right?

So I tell him, convinced that it is best, that I need to drop us down to just friends and need time away from him in order to get over this and move on. On the other end of the phone - silence - I know he's mad, and I know he's hurt.. but I was determined to do it, that it was the best choice for me (and no, I would not have regreted it at that time, or any point in time after that, I knew what I was doing).

And then he started talking, and out came his heart - not in the words I would have wanted (because I'm a girl, and we like that mushy crap) but his heart poured forth and how much he cares for me showed through, and how (gasp) he's willing to consider things in the future (basically) that he wouldn't consider right now, because neither of us are ready for it. And that I need to hold on and not do this and just let this happen.. and that I'm being a "silly girl." Me?

I melted. Here is this guy, terrified of being hurt again, terrified of commitment and various other things, says he doesn't believe the love they show in movies is real (he lies to protect) doesnt trust women - hell, doesnt trust many or let them in.. here he is - has been - opening the doors (walls) of his world and letting me in more than he has any other - ever. And he talked and I melted - and (GRR!) my heart changed (didn't take much - bastard) and we laughed, and I saw again how special this one is - to me, to my life. I blame Autumn. ;P

And me - well, I love this man, am falling in love with him - am fighting every step of it, and trying (in vain I believe) to convince him that this (leaving) is best and scared of getting hurt - I think he is, perhaps, the most real person I've ever had in my life - Polar opposite yes, but so much of what I need - and I hate that, it humbles me too much, and reminds me that I'm weak - I am doomed.

Predicament..

3 months ago I was engaged to a man whose world I was caught up in and whose lies I allowed myself to believe, because at the time, that was what I wanted.

5 days after I broke off the engagement and cut off contact with him I met a guy through my best friend - someone she had dated before she was married, and someone for whom she had a ton of respect. I'd heard his name on a few occasions, but never gave any thought to him.. he was, after all, her cast off, or something of the sort.

We met that day - 3 months ago and have been dating ever since - seeing each other everyday, and if we dont see each other (which is a rarity) we are on the phone.. its been fantastic.. and fun.. more than fun. He has become the life of my party.. and a rock upon which I can rely for anything and everything -

RAH!!!

And now -- and now!!????? We spent the weekend together (go figure – like every other one)) and everytime I looked at him my heart would leap and I would think - I love you.. OMG.. i CANT fall in love with this guy.. and all I could think was FUCK! This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm NOT supposed to love him, friends, dating - thats it.. until later we go our seperate ways and I find that love I believe in, the one like the movies only real, with gas, and stinky morning breath, and imperfections not perfectly tied up by the credits.. the one that I know is out there for me. And he goes on to the plethora of girls he thinks (lies) will make him happy, and the I am an island mentality that he has so that he wont get hurt. And I go back to Jesus and thump my bible and he watchs porn and makes happy with himself.. something like that right? that should be the senario.. our fling- was just that.. a series of special events that occoured.. and then we just walk away, no broken hearts, no strings attached.. only good memories and warm fuzzies.

NOT LOVE or the beginings of it.. ANYTHING but that.. This isn't supposed to be. He is my polar opposite. He is everything I am not - both good and bad.. but there is, at the same time so much that we do share - and how much we enjoy each other. He is my best friend. And the deeper feelings I have for him the more I treat him like crap – gotta push him away you know – and the more I treat him like crap the more I see this heart of absolute gold that cares for me despite my imperfections and doesn’t expect anything of me, except for me to be me.

This has snuck up and is definately going to bite me on the ass, I can feel it. I am going to suffer heartbreak here. I WASNT heartbroken over this last guy - at all, it was like a blip on the map for me, almost as if it didnt happen, ex cept the bad taste of his name reverberates in my head at times - ugh.. but this one? diffrent.. 3 months already - I don't do 3 month long things, i don't do relationships - I suck at them. Perhaps that is why this is working. We don't call it that. We are dating, we are friends, we are nothing more than that. We are in denial. And I am falling in love with him.

I'm going to get burnt and there will be tears.

FUCK!