Postsecret..

I was 24 and a virgin when he did this to me. This is not my postcard, that was not my post (postsecret.blogspot.com). He was the first boy I had ever kissed.. had ever kissed me.. and at one point I had thought I loved him.

I met him 3 years before and from the day we met - almost - he declared his love for me.. I never liked him, he was not my type, older, divorced and had a little girl.. we were friends and I maintained that until my Dad died.. and there he was - speaking words of love.. things I desperately wanted to hear, needed to hear.. I had lost everything, my Dad, my Mom (she pushed me out of her life to live with a woman who controlled everything - her way of coping with the loss of our most important person ever..) my job, my home, my life as I knew it..

and in came he.. gallant.. mature, proclaiming love and other messy things - adoration - he adored me.. and I needed that security. For a time I thought I might love him as well.. and then I knew I didn't - So across the country he moved for me - to come to me to prove who and how much he loved - and I caved - gave in to the desire to be loved - over the willingness to be true to myself, because deep down I knew I didn't love him.. I never would.. he was merely a -- i don't know -- even today I dont know what he was..

He kissed me our first night, and it was amazing, he was a great kisser.. and I liked it, but still did not feel that way for him - he asked me to be his girlfriend and I, of course not knowing what I really wanted, said yes.. and I went along with it.. for about two weeks it was ok - and then -- then.. I hate and then..

I never wanted to have sex before I got married - I was the idealist - morally it did not line up with my beliefs - spiritually it was not the best choice for me either.. nor was I anywhere near prepare for it emotionally, even if it had occured in the right manner..

And then -- well.. and then, one night we were in his car making out and started screwing around doing other stuff.. and then he was on top of me.. and I asked him what he was doing -- to this day I can't tell you what he said, and I don't remember much of what happened.. Only that I cried and kept saying "No, I want to be a virgin.." the next thing I remember was we were driving up the 91 and he was taking me to a motel because I freaked him out and he didn't want me to be alone - he thought I might hurt myself - he was right - motherfucking bastard had just taken away the one thing I never intended to give him - fuck yeah I wanted to hurt myself, I was too weak then to hurt him.. I'm a stronger woman now.. but then I was merely a little girl..

And what did I do? I stayed. And I slept with him a few times after that - why? Because I figured it was what I deserved, that somehow I deserved what he did to me - and that somehow we could have a relationship, or that possibly I should marry this man to make up for what I had done (yeah, what I had done.. not him.. me.. it was always my fault right? I pity that little girl.. she was so wrong..) It took me a while to untangle myself from all of this and to realize it was him and not me.. and that my actions afterwards were confusion - and not because I wanted it.

Know what the kicker is? Motherfuckers dick was no bigger than my thumb - and never broke my hymen.. so in a technical way I was still a virgin.. didn't make the trauma any less.. but at least I got to give that to someone I did love.. and someone I know loved me.

I don't hate this man, I pity him.. he is a gross foulness on the face of the planet and will never amount to much.. he later told me that he'd been caught having sex with minors as an adult.. WTF? A fucking child molesting rapist.. yeah - I picked a fucking winner.. but it was actually that winner that picked me.. and I will forever live with the fact that I allowed him something he never deserved - after he took from me the last shred of innocene I had clung too..

Changes..

Things are changing.. I am changing.. Again.. I have felt so aimless.. Without purpose, without - I don't know.. A goal. And everytime I turn around, regret, regret, regret.. and pent up anger because of that regret - (depression is the manifestation of repressed anger a wise man told me the other day.. TRUTH!). I view myself as a failure in ways, because I never finished college.. it is my one true regret - everything else (mistakes, or not mistakes) have been learning experiences. But not finishing college.. REGRET!!!

I look back at it all the time and think - "Why didn't I?" I could have, I had the time, I had the means, I had the ways.. but I failed to take advantage of what was given to me, because I thought in my pithy little messed up (over spiritualized) head - that it wasn't important. And now, 10-12 years later I look back and I wish..

Though the world and my biological clock try to tell me otherwise, I am still young (34) and I am in a position where this is possible.. I CAN DO THIS. It will be harder now, and cost me a small fortune - but I can do it.. I know I can. And I don't just know I can, I NEED to do it.. desperately need to do it.. its all I've been able to think about for weeks now. So off I go - back to college.

And I'm going to kill myself to get 2 degrees in about 3 years - oh the joys of the overacheiver!

I start back at Bible College in September - going to complete what I started while working towards the other degrees. This is for me ALONE! I need the spiritual input, the study - so much, and most importantly the grounding from being in the Word.. and to return to the Lord - submissively - only I fear becoming what I used to be.. closed off and "perfect." I hate that me. I never want to be her again.. but there were good parts to her.. so hopefully I find balance.

Shortly thereafter I begin classes online to finish my GE units - 11k later it better be worth it! When both of these are finished I need to find a good Spanish class and I'll begin my Bachelors degree in Psych (the first part should take about 13 months, the bach about 22). And I will be done.. a double major (psych and biblical studies).. and off to pursue the elusive graduate degree.. and sink my butt further into debt - woo hoo!! Lord help!? Makes me want to puke.. but my friends with school debt tell me that its worth it.. They better be right!

I have more purpose.. I have a goal. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a psych major, since I was about 17 or so.. if not before.. It is my gifting - Counseling.. Exhortation.. etc.. and I love it.. that and writing.. oh!! to write psych books!! there we go.. rake it in baby.. hahaha - no!

At any rate, I am out of the doldrums - for the most part. There are other issues that need to be dealt with, but all in time.. all in time..