Nothing Makes Sense Anymore..

I agreed to see RK last night - spent 2 hours with him talking and me sobbing. Coming back to my place we parked and continued talking ending with him crying as well and telling me that he loves me. I am only one of two people in the world that will hear those words from him and they are precious to me - more than he will ever know.

He begged me not to move to Fullerton, several times, pleaded - As if I do that I will be too far away from him and our friendship will dissipate and we will grow vastly distant. All true things - all sad things.

He sees what I see. That this is a once in a lifetime thing, people like us don't walk into each others lives very often - not on this level, not this amazing - for all my (yes, my) chaos and emotionalism and stupidity I bring - causing chaotic moments for us.. for all of his 'flaws' as well.. there is something deep and abiding there for us. Something we both were lacking and searching for. And here we have it and we both know it - and it could work and be amazing and beautiful - except.. except.. I FUCKING HATE EXCEPT.

So tears flow and hearts break and I know that as he cannot offer me marriage and a baby one day, I too cannot offer him the friendship he so desperately wants to hang on to. I can't.

Seeing him is emotional torture; having him want to be near me and hold my hand, and take fucking perfect care of me, and love me, and understand my crazy fucked up brain and love me perfectly despite my bullshit - having him move heaven and earth to be there for me, to take care of me, to teach me, to show me how to be more of me or at the very least, point me in the right direction - to have my best friend at my side in a manner that no friend has ever filled - to know that I could more than happily spend my life with him loving and being loved.. and not be able to have what my heart longs for is more than my emotions can bear.
Nearly every morning I wake up and the tears flow. Why mornings? Everything is supposed to be new and fixed after sleep isn't it? No, not for me.. tears flow from my eyes.. generously until I can manage to contain myself and prepare for work.

How can I live like this? How can he? He did the selfless thing in letting me go as his "girl," but is being unfair in keeping me on this emotional level that I am under equipped to handle. I want to. I want to be idealistic enough to believe that he and I can remain the best of friends - can maintain the closeness that we have and yet we can both move on. We can't. I can't. And so I must let him go - again.. Breaking his heart, wounding him in a way I never intended - so that I can go and be free.. again.. and maybe one day find something or someone just as wonderful - if not much more so..

He will not bend, he will not change. There is no compromise to be made in the marriage and baby area - and watching tears stream down his face I know that if any one were to get that from him it would be me - but he is incapable of giving it - and I am incapable of giving him my heart and friendship knowing that I will remain in love and continue falling in love with him. It is an unfair place for both of us..

His whispered, choked out I love you, took everything out of him - baring himself in a way he does not and is not comfortable with.. this will be forever precious to me.. a forever treasured moment.. And he will always remain loved, even as I have to turn my back and walk away.. leaving in my wake sorrow, hurt, disappointment, tears, depression and so much more.

I wish he knew or could understand that this isn't easy for me - that its NOT what I want, but what I HAVE to do..

There is a knot in my stomach that will not go away until I do this - but its there because I have to do this..

Part of me begins to think that the Universe likes to play cruel tricks on its children..

Why Not -- Reminders

~Cannot express myself emotionally to him (i.e. speak loving, affectionately or my heart for him as he doesn’t like it)
~Lack of physical/sexual intimacy
~Many areas of deception on both parts – lack of trust for both and reasons to mistrust for both
~Can’t talk to him about the Lord – or anything I’m learning in that area
~For all the good, we are chaotic together – mostly caused by me
~He will NEVER marry me – I can’t settle for this
~He will NEVER have another child – I long for a baby
~We don’t accomplish anything together – spend time doing things that don’t matter and I end up feeling frenetic afterwards
~Platonic kissing
~We love the closeness, but he lacks the passion
~Inability to articulate his love for me
~He lacks self-motivation and I’m a highly motivated person
~He is ALWAYS right – I never am
~I will only continue to fall in love with him because of our strong and beautiful friendship, giving up what I truly want in life (to love and be loved in return, with passion, goals, laughter, commitment and babies)
~He only now can say we were a couple – but would still not give me the ‘status’ I deserve
~Touch – he doesn’t like it, I crave to touch and be touched
~I know he loves me, but will never be able to "express" that love to me
~His heart is hardened and embittered towards love
~I would have to sacrifice too much to be with him – compromise is one thing, to utterly deny my heart – it cannot be done

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We talked today - NO we fought, I cried, no, I sobbed. And seemingly his heart is changing, but I do not know. I only know that I loved this man and was falling more in love with him and staying such close friends after hurt us both, terribly. I need time, I need space, I need distance. I need to move on, utterly and completely.

What pisses me off the most is that yes I have a few big reasons not to - but friendship and a bond like ours - a coupling like ours - doesn't come around much in ones lifetime. I hate this. Imperfect because we both have issues - but my god.. two people more perfectly suited for each other? I can only think of a few other couples that I know of.. heck, truly only two. This isn't something that everyone gets a shot at - I know he has all those things in him.. and more, but I cannot stay around and wait for them to take place - it will only hurt us both more. I deserve everything it is I desire, and then some.. Sad that it can't be with him.. sad for us both.

Life is a great trickster some times. I hate that.

Fallout and Aftermath..

Breaking up with someone is typically never an easy thing. And on a scale of breakups mine with RK was at about at 9 or a 10 insofar as ease (not of decision, but in execution) is concerned. One thing I had repeatedly told him before it occurred (yes, I knew it was inevitable and had tried to do it several times beforehand only to be talked out of it or convinced I was being silly – and I wanting and liking him in my life was easily convinced). Back to my point: I told him before it occurred that it needed to be done clean when it was done i.e. that I needed to be cut free and to just go, no strings, no friendship, no lingering.. nothing.. only to be met with his insistence that that was not right and that we needed to be "friends." It did not work; it never does, especially with the intensity of emotion that was beginning between us.

So we parted ways as a couple only to see each other everyday for the first two weeks, and talk to each other several times – killing my heart, as I would look at how his eyes glowed and his whole world smiled when I arrived. Only to be met with the startling and painful reality that "we" were no longer and "we" could never be. It was a slow form of torture. Meanwhile RK was able to have the part he really wanted from us – the friendship and intimacy of it, without the "relationship". He got his cake; he got to eat it. And I? Well, I got hurt.

I tried to be ok with it. Tried to pretend that perhaps it would all be ok and that we could be friends and that this would work, and then it started. It? Yes, it. It being my acting out what I was feeling inside – hurt, confusion, frustration -- anger. And he got it all, the harsh realities of every emotion I was feeling on the inside blatantly thrown up in his face, not to "hurt" him back (because the man did not hurt me) but because they were all too much for me to contain. And this "friendship" too much for me to maintain because it hurt, and it restrained and it prevented me from truly being able to move on. He didn’t see it as such; he only saw that I was treating him horridly and that he would "never" do such a thing to me. Despite the fact that I have told him again and again.. and again after that – that this friendship was an impossibility for me, especially at this point. Who knew what life would hold later?

He had some poetic notion of being able to be involved in my life on the same scale he had been, minus the "relationship." Which lets face it, only really meant that we weren’t having sex. He still wanted to be able to be cuddly with me (which began to repulse and anger me) he still wanted to be able to do couple things, and be wrapped up in the daily ongoings of my life and vise-versa. It doesn’t work, it didn’t work, and in the end all it did was take a beautiful break-up (yes, there is such a thing) and a beautiful friendship and make it ugly and painful; and hurt two people who did not need to be hurt again.

I knew I needed out weeks before I broke up with him, and here I knew I needed out right after I broke up with him. And I failed. I failed to do what I KNEW was best, because I was afraid of the loss and of the hurt. Yet in the end, I’ve lost and hurt more than I ever bargained for. Hurting the heart of one who has seen more than his fair share of hurt – and myself, as leaving sooner would have saved a lot of tears and heartache…

He told me on the phone tonight to move on, not realizing that I already had. My heart is headed elsewhere – my only regret is losing the friendship to anger (his) rather than how it should have been "lost" to maturity.
And his blatant emotional manipulation of me in the past two days? Neither welcome or appreciated - but it makes walking away all that much easier. If I can be mature enough to own up to my faults and failures, please don't play the hurt baby about it and run to a corner to pout, lashing out and not dealing with the issues at hand. Not attractive and not necessary. Though in the end it gave me what I needed - freedom from the confines of the past and the ability to move on into the future.

I will never make this mistake again. Next time I will cut it off clean and true - with no lingering, dangling, no turning back, no games and definately no hurt in this manner - Just done.

You can’t have one part of the best without the whole, it makes it incomplete – and never fulfills. So, in the end, I was right all along; lovers cannot be friends, too much history, too much drama and too great a chance to hurt the heart of one you never intended to hurt in the first place.

That was never my heart – but even the best intentions and plans fail when built upon shaky foundations.

And on the other end? Silence… deafening, but necessary.