Nothing Makes Sense Anymore..

I agreed to see RK last night - spent 2 hours with him talking and me sobbing. Coming back to my place we parked and continued talking ending with him crying as well and telling me that he loves me. I am only one of two people in the world that will hear those words from him and they are precious to me - more than he will ever know.

He begged me not to move to Fullerton, several times, pleaded - As if I do that I will be too far away from him and our friendship will dissipate and we will grow vastly distant. All true things - all sad things.

He sees what I see. That this is a once in a lifetime thing, people like us don't walk into each others lives very often - not on this level, not this amazing - for all my (yes, my) chaos and emotionalism and stupidity I bring - causing chaotic moments for us.. for all of his 'flaws' as well.. there is something deep and abiding there for us. Something we both were lacking and searching for. And here we have it and we both know it - and it could work and be amazing and beautiful - except.. except.. I FUCKING HATE EXCEPT.

So tears flow and hearts break and I know that as he cannot offer me marriage and a baby one day, I too cannot offer him the friendship he so desperately wants to hang on to. I can't.

Seeing him is emotional torture; having him want to be near me and hold my hand, and take fucking perfect care of me, and love me, and understand my crazy fucked up brain and love me perfectly despite my bullshit - having him move heaven and earth to be there for me, to take care of me, to teach me, to show me how to be more of me or at the very least, point me in the right direction - to have my best friend at my side in a manner that no friend has ever filled - to know that I could more than happily spend my life with him loving and being loved.. and not be able to have what my heart longs for is more than my emotions can bear.
Nearly every morning I wake up and the tears flow. Why mornings? Everything is supposed to be new and fixed after sleep isn't it? No, not for me.. tears flow from my eyes.. generously until I can manage to contain myself and prepare for work.

How can I live like this? How can he? He did the selfless thing in letting me go as his "girl," but is being unfair in keeping me on this emotional level that I am under equipped to handle. I want to. I want to be idealistic enough to believe that he and I can remain the best of friends - can maintain the closeness that we have and yet we can both move on. We can't. I can't. And so I must let him go - again.. Breaking his heart, wounding him in a way I never intended - so that I can go and be free.. again.. and maybe one day find something or someone just as wonderful - if not much more so..

He will not bend, he will not change. There is no compromise to be made in the marriage and baby area - and watching tears stream down his face I know that if any one were to get that from him it would be me - but he is incapable of giving it - and I am incapable of giving him my heart and friendship knowing that I will remain in love and continue falling in love with him. It is an unfair place for both of us..

His whispered, choked out I love you, took everything out of him - baring himself in a way he does not and is not comfortable with.. this will be forever precious to me.. a forever treasured moment.. And he will always remain loved, even as I have to turn my back and walk away.. leaving in my wake sorrow, hurt, disappointment, tears, depression and so much more.

I wish he knew or could understand that this isn't easy for me - that its NOT what I want, but what I HAVE to do..

There is a knot in my stomach that will not go away until I do this - but its there because I have to do this..

Part of me begins to think that the Universe likes to play cruel tricks on its children..