Fallout and Aftermath..

Breaking up with someone is typically never an easy thing. And on a scale of breakups mine with RK was at about at 9 or a 10 insofar as ease (not of decision, but in execution) is concerned. One thing I had repeatedly told him before it occurred (yes, I knew it was inevitable and had tried to do it several times beforehand only to be talked out of it or convinced I was being silly – and I wanting and liking him in my life was easily convinced). Back to my point: I told him before it occurred that it needed to be done clean when it was done i.e. that I needed to be cut free and to just go, no strings, no friendship, no lingering.. nothing.. only to be met with his insistence that that was not right and that we needed to be "friends." It did not work; it never does, especially with the intensity of emotion that was beginning between us.

So we parted ways as a couple only to see each other everyday for the first two weeks, and talk to each other several times – killing my heart, as I would look at how his eyes glowed and his whole world smiled when I arrived. Only to be met with the startling and painful reality that "we" were no longer and "we" could never be. It was a slow form of torture. Meanwhile RK was able to have the part he really wanted from us – the friendship and intimacy of it, without the "relationship". He got his cake; he got to eat it. And I? Well, I got hurt.

I tried to be ok with it. Tried to pretend that perhaps it would all be ok and that we could be friends and that this would work, and then it started. It? Yes, it. It being my acting out what I was feeling inside – hurt, confusion, frustration -- anger. And he got it all, the harsh realities of every emotion I was feeling on the inside blatantly thrown up in his face, not to "hurt" him back (because the man did not hurt me) but because they were all too much for me to contain. And this "friendship" too much for me to maintain because it hurt, and it restrained and it prevented me from truly being able to move on. He didn’t see it as such; he only saw that I was treating him horridly and that he would "never" do such a thing to me. Despite the fact that I have told him again and again.. and again after that – that this friendship was an impossibility for me, especially at this point. Who knew what life would hold later?

He had some poetic notion of being able to be involved in my life on the same scale he had been, minus the "relationship." Which lets face it, only really meant that we weren’t having sex. He still wanted to be able to be cuddly with me (which began to repulse and anger me) he still wanted to be able to do couple things, and be wrapped up in the daily ongoings of my life and vise-versa. It doesn’t work, it didn’t work, and in the end all it did was take a beautiful break-up (yes, there is such a thing) and a beautiful friendship and make it ugly and painful; and hurt two people who did not need to be hurt again.

I knew I needed out weeks before I broke up with him, and here I knew I needed out right after I broke up with him. And I failed. I failed to do what I KNEW was best, because I was afraid of the loss and of the hurt. Yet in the end, I’ve lost and hurt more than I ever bargained for. Hurting the heart of one who has seen more than his fair share of hurt – and myself, as leaving sooner would have saved a lot of tears and heartache…

He told me on the phone tonight to move on, not realizing that I already had. My heart is headed elsewhere – my only regret is losing the friendship to anger (his) rather than how it should have been "lost" to maturity.
And his blatant emotional manipulation of me in the past two days? Neither welcome or appreciated - but it makes walking away all that much easier. If I can be mature enough to own up to my faults and failures, please don't play the hurt baby about it and run to a corner to pout, lashing out and not dealing with the issues at hand. Not attractive and not necessary. Though in the end it gave me what I needed - freedom from the confines of the past and the ability to move on into the future.

I will never make this mistake again. Next time I will cut it off clean and true - with no lingering, dangling, no turning back, no games and definately no hurt in this manner - Just done.

You can’t have one part of the best without the whole, it makes it incomplete – and never fulfills. So, in the end, I was right all along; lovers cannot be friends, too much history, too much drama and too great a chance to hurt the heart of one you never intended to hurt in the first place.

That was never my heart – but even the best intentions and plans fail when built upon shaky foundations.

And on the other end? Silence… deafening, but necessary.