Why Not -- Reminders

~Cannot express myself emotionally to him (i.e. speak loving, affectionately or my heart for him as he doesn’t like it)
~Lack of physical/sexual intimacy
~Many areas of deception on both parts – lack of trust for both and reasons to mistrust for both
~Can’t talk to him about the Lord – or anything I’m learning in that area
~For all the good, we are chaotic together – mostly caused by me
~He will NEVER marry me – I can’t settle for this
~He will NEVER have another child – I long for a baby
~We don’t accomplish anything together – spend time doing things that don’t matter and I end up feeling frenetic afterwards
~Platonic kissing
~We love the closeness, but he lacks the passion
~Inability to articulate his love for me
~He lacks self-motivation and I’m a highly motivated person
~He is ALWAYS right – I never am
~I will only continue to fall in love with him because of our strong and beautiful friendship, giving up what I truly want in life (to love and be loved in return, with passion, goals, laughter, commitment and babies)
~He only now can say we were a couple – but would still not give me the ‘status’ I deserve
~Touch – he doesn’t like it, I crave to touch and be touched
~I know he loves me, but will never be able to "express" that love to me
~His heart is hardened and embittered towards love
~I would have to sacrifice too much to be with him – compromise is one thing, to utterly deny my heart – it cannot be done

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We talked today - NO we fought, I cried, no, I sobbed. And seemingly his heart is changing, but I do not know. I only know that I loved this man and was falling more in love with him and staying such close friends after hurt us both, terribly. I need time, I need space, I need distance. I need to move on, utterly and completely.

What pisses me off the most is that yes I have a few big reasons not to - but friendship and a bond like ours - a coupling like ours - doesn't come around much in ones lifetime. I hate this. Imperfect because we both have issues - but my god.. two people more perfectly suited for each other? I can only think of a few other couples that I know of.. heck, truly only two. This isn't something that everyone gets a shot at - I know he has all those things in him.. and more, but I cannot stay around and wait for them to take place - it will only hurt us both more. I deserve everything it is I desire, and then some.. Sad that it can't be with him.. sad for us both.

Life is a great trickster some times. I hate that.