Looking For Yourself Out There...
2 ½ years ago I had gastric bypass surgery. At the time I weighed in excess of 400lbs. I was a biggun to say the least. I was fat, miserable, hidden, ashamed and in the pits despair in ways that no one ever noticed… I hated me, and I hated life.
I have lost 169lbs since then.. making me “normal” by societies standards.. well, not normal, but acceptable. Yet, I am still the fat girl. I am still the one who can’t walk up a flight of stairs without being winded.. still the one who looks at others and thinks, if only.. still the one who wants to be like the others – the insider, not the one looking in. I am still the one who wants to run shedding the years of hurt and pain and embracing the freedom of movement and the pain of exercise (I secretly love that feeling – yet I don’t seek after it like I do other things).
Recently I’ve regained about 10lbs. Not much, but enough to scare the fuckwads out of me and open my eyes to the realities of me. Doesn’t matter how big the scar is down my belly, how small the stitched up my tummy to be, or how much lose skin I have from the weight loss – I am still the fat girl. I am still an overeater – I still run to food at the first hint of emotion, turmoil, pain, love, happiness, wind on the back of my neck.. you get the point. I am an emotional over eater.
I’ve had thoughts of getting a revision to my surgery. Most people having it weigh what I do right now, and end up at 120 or something stickish like that. But before I had mine, I always said if it were only 60-80 lbs I had to lose I wouldn’t do it, I’d change and lose it on my own. Time to eat my own words, suck it up and do this bitch.
I have an appointment today with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Its time to change me – from the core outward. Not time to go get my stomach cut open again and restrict myself so that I lose, time to cut my heart open and deal with the bullshit that dwells within.. the past that rides my ass like a motherfucker. Time to fix me – and fuck the rest of them. I know this is going to open up a gigantic can of worms in my life, heart – what have you.. I know it. I know I’m going to have to deal with shit that I don’t want to deal with. I’m going to have to learn self control, to practice many things I fear I don’t have the discipline to take on. I fear that I am going to have to do a million things I don’t want to do, only because I’m afraid.
Fear – fear.. the overriding motivator in my life – the overriding demotovator as well.. so much SO MUCH that I have not done or failed to do because of fear – so many places, things, experiences that I have failed to partake in because I was afraid of them.. didn’t even get my drivers license till I was 18 because I was scared I would suck at driving (the fear of not fitting behind the wheel was great as well.. but it was all fear motivated – all of it). SO FUCKING MUCH TIME wasted – because of fear.. because of voices that said I would fail (fuck you Mom and Nanny – FUCK YOU and your negativity spewing into my life all those years – why do I insist upon listening to you still? What the fuck did either of you do with your lives? Not a goddamn thing you can look back and be happy about – and me? No regrets, except this, that in all I have done (a fucking lot) I have let fear hinder me from other things. NOT COOL! I’m done with it)
6 months – I have 6 months in a beautiful little garden apartment for hell of cheap rent – all to myself (except the occasional lactation class – laugh with me now). And in this 6 months I’ve decided to change some things – with this therapist being only one in many things I’m going to change.
Its time. I’m taking the next 6 months off of school – taking the next 6 months off of RTK (weekends only – and he’s got some big decisions to make as well as I’ve given him an ultimatum – commitment by then and consider living together, with the thought of marriage being a possible future thing, or I’m OUT OF HERE – no matter how much it hurts us both – I wont drag my life out forever, no matter how much I love you and know I’m loved by you) 6 months to focus on me.. and change me – and fix those things that 1.) should never have been broken and 2.) since they were should have been dealt with a long time ago.
I read something about Born Again Christians the other day that struck me as incredibly true – Being born again means never growing up. There is a sad sad truth to that. I haven’t rejected Christianity, just that lifestyle – and I’m trying to find balance.. I know its to be found… balance, truth and integrity.. and me..
Drops of Jupiter – that’s where I am.
I have lost 169lbs since then.. making me “normal” by societies standards.. well, not normal, but acceptable. Yet, I am still the fat girl. I am still the one who can’t walk up a flight of stairs without being winded.. still the one who looks at others and thinks, if only.. still the one who wants to be like the others – the insider, not the one looking in. I am still the one who wants to run shedding the years of hurt and pain and embracing the freedom of movement and the pain of exercise (I secretly love that feeling – yet I don’t seek after it like I do other things).
Recently I’ve regained about 10lbs. Not much, but enough to scare the fuckwads out of me and open my eyes to the realities of me. Doesn’t matter how big the scar is down my belly, how small the stitched up my tummy to be, or how much lose skin I have from the weight loss – I am still the fat girl. I am still an overeater – I still run to food at the first hint of emotion, turmoil, pain, love, happiness, wind on the back of my neck.. you get the point. I am an emotional over eater.
I’ve had thoughts of getting a revision to my surgery. Most people having it weigh what I do right now, and end up at 120 or something stickish like that. But before I had mine, I always said if it were only 60-80 lbs I had to lose I wouldn’t do it, I’d change and lose it on my own. Time to eat my own words, suck it up and do this bitch.
I have an appointment today with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Its time to change me – from the core outward. Not time to go get my stomach cut open again and restrict myself so that I lose, time to cut my heart open and deal with the bullshit that dwells within.. the past that rides my ass like a motherfucker. Time to fix me – and fuck the rest of them. I know this is going to open up a gigantic can of worms in my life, heart – what have you.. I know it. I know I’m going to have to deal with shit that I don’t want to deal with. I’m going to have to learn self control, to practice many things I fear I don’t have the discipline to take on. I fear that I am going to have to do a million things I don’t want to do, only because I’m afraid.
Fear – fear.. the overriding motivator in my life – the overriding demotovator as well.. so much SO MUCH that I have not done or failed to do because of fear – so many places, things, experiences that I have failed to partake in because I was afraid of them.. didn’t even get my drivers license till I was 18 because I was scared I would suck at driving (the fear of not fitting behind the wheel was great as well.. but it was all fear motivated – all of it). SO FUCKING MUCH TIME wasted – because of fear.. because of voices that said I would fail (fuck you Mom and Nanny – FUCK YOU and your negativity spewing into my life all those years – why do I insist upon listening to you still? What the fuck did either of you do with your lives? Not a goddamn thing you can look back and be happy about – and me? No regrets, except this, that in all I have done (a fucking lot) I have let fear hinder me from other things. NOT COOL! I’m done with it)
6 months – I have 6 months in a beautiful little garden apartment for hell of cheap rent – all to myself (except the occasional lactation class – laugh with me now). And in this 6 months I’ve decided to change some things – with this therapist being only one in many things I’m going to change.
Its time. I’m taking the next 6 months off of school – taking the next 6 months off of RTK (weekends only – and he’s got some big decisions to make as well as I’ve given him an ultimatum – commitment by then and consider living together, with the thought of marriage being a possible future thing, or I’m OUT OF HERE – no matter how much it hurts us both – I wont drag my life out forever, no matter how much I love you and know I’m loved by you) 6 months to focus on me.. and change me – and fix those things that 1.) should never have been broken and 2.) since they were should have been dealt with a long time ago.
I read something about Born Again Christians the other day that struck me as incredibly true – Being born again means never growing up. There is a sad sad truth to that. I haven’t rejected Christianity, just that lifestyle – and I’m trying to find balance.. I know its to be found… balance, truth and integrity.. and me..
Drops of Jupiter – that’s where I am.
posted by The Melting Jar at 10:12 AM
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