Last Night..

Went over to KM's to hang out and possibly have a drink with her - and was reminded, exactly, of why I really don't drink.. Its 8am, I went to bed at 4am and I've been up for an HOUR!! Drinking gives me insomnia! BIG TIME! Fortunately I don't do it too often, never get hung over and just don't find it all that appealing of a thing to do - all good things - Just not me.

DN came over around midnight - Only to see me, I think he's a bit overexcited about the prospet of me - thinks he's found someone who fits into what he thinks he wants. I can honestly say - I'm not. His eyes lack the soul and life I am looking for in someone. Quite frankly, looking into his eyes remninds me of looking into my ex's DH - a year ago this may have fucked with my brain big time, today? Not so much. His style of dress, mannerisms, and even his speech sort of remind me of DH - RUN for the hills MJ - you know you don't want or really like this one. And no, I don't. Spent some time talking to him - getting to know him a little better.. for me? No chemistry. For him? No chance. I said I'd go out with him on Tuesday - but I think I'll let him off quickly and tell him I'm not interested, because I'm not.

I miss RK - we haven't seen each other since late Tuesday.. thats the longest we've gone since he was in Colorado for two weeks - hell, its the longest we've gone since we met. Between work and my interviewing people for the room and T being in town to play with him - no time.. good things, as I realize a few things - He is not a Christian, but I would rather be with him than a Christian - He adds to my life in a way I can't explain.. His eyes possess the soul I couldnt see in DN's last night. How is that if he "lacks" Jesus? I do not know, nor understand these things.

I'm sitting with KM's little ones right now watching VeggieTales - and I'm in love - and I know that one day I want to be a Mommy.. With RK? I don't possess that chance if his heart doesn't change - I don't know what this all means - I have a few months - I have some time.. I don't have to make decisions right now on this..

I'm babbling - and boring today.. I need sleep, but feel like that is a fleeting thing that will not happen today.. RAH!

Girl's death hastens review of NYC abuse cases - Crime & Punishment - MSNBC.com

Girl's death hastens review of NYC abuse cases - Crime & Punishment - MSNBC.com

Who was there to protect her? My heart breaks over these things, so badly..

Fellowship..

Me, being the horrible terrible sinner than I am, went out at 8pm last night to get drunk, sleep with random unknown men, women and animals and genrally partake in various forms of debauchry. I like the animal one.. thats a nice touch. Damn being an unsaved sinner is funness for the soul!

HA! Ok - kiddos, that was for the gossiping, judgemental, jesusy sort that like to read this page.. had enough? And yes, you are being mocked..

Actually last night was spent in fellowship with 4 other believers much like myself - but further down the path of balance.. ok - KM, 3 of them are, you and I? More at the beginning - But I love us anyway! =)

We read the word and sat around discussing it and the Lord, things of the Lord and praying and so forth.. with a healthy banter of cussing and whathaveyou mixed in to keep us all real - I ENJOYED myself tremendously. Praying with others was, perhaps, the most refreshing thing I've done in ages.. and, for those how don't know me - I have a passion and love for the word of God unlike anything else in life - so getting to discuss these things with those like myself, and seeing that I'm not the only one disillusioned by Churchianity and religiousity - and sickened by the way Christians carry and portray themselves - and judge - lets just say it was fantastic, and much more than needed in my life.. I have a feeling I will come to look forward to Thursdays.. more debauchry for me folks! Cause thats what I do, drink and cuss and smoke and fuck like a sailor - all sorts of strange and evil things! Whoo boy! Oh yeah!

There was a guy there last night who stared at me from the moment he walked in the door - DN - and directed his conversation towards me etc.. all night long I knew he'd ask me out, and he did, and I said yes - yes, I know - I do love RK - muchly - but truth is truth and I cannot escape that reality with him - so I must do what I need to do in my life. Never will I wait around for a man to get his shit together - I've learned that if they don't have it together, it ain't gonna happen people. Ask DB - No shit together in the 10+ years that I've known him, same with a few others.. but I'll refrain right now. RK has some shit together - just not the shit that needs to be together. His loss - not mine. He knows this.

Anyway DN - cool, funny, knows the word - has some baggage (whats up with the divorced with kids thing? It must be the age group I am in - I still prefer the younger ones though). Nice guy though, and had the guts to not beat around any sort of bush and just come out with it, he deserved a yes. We shall see what happens. Dating is fun, if not a bit overrated.. Perhaps I'll let AK know he's got a chance now too - we are the third date that will never happen - I keep getting distracted.

Oh well - off to go home and clean up to interview some potential future roomies - I've been doing the math - I make craploads of cash at times - I could afford this (live on my own) but the other room would be wasted - and I'd be on the broker side.. but it would be nice.

ahhh.. fuck, a girl can dream can't she?

Things..

Sadly, I confess that I have one of those horrid trendy little Myspace accounts. I use it primarily to keep up with old friends who live all over and one new friend who is in Lebanon.. Its no big deal to me, kind of addicting at first, but now much more of a bore than anything.

Today I reposted a bulletin that a friend posted, I answered her questions and then reposted the blanks for myself to see who (if any - I had no expectations) would respond. A "friend" (one of aforementioned roommates) answered.

In the question that said Do I believe in God, he responded, yeah.. I guess. This person lives with me. This person has known me for 13 years or so, has seen me toil, triumph and travail.. and now that I am not living according to "standards" I'm suddenly relegated to the unbelieving side of the fence.

My faith questioned and doubted.

Now, his doubt of me is fine - he can think, do and feel as he wishes. But the fact that he is thinking these things only substantiates my thoughts and beliefs that Christians are so performance oriented and box thinkers that anything that does not come up to par for them, or look like they think it should is suddenly, morally wrong and classified as "sinner" or "unbeliever."

Truth be told, my faith in the Lord today is stronger than it ever has been. My faith in man and my need to present myself in a certain light or way to them is what was shaken to the core. I now know that I no longer have to perform. And that life in Jesus is not and never has been 2+2 = 4, but rather equaling 1, 5 or 10 or 20.. God is NOT a genie. He does not perform for me when I perform some magic formula. I am not a saint when I am perfect. I am a saint in my imperfection as well as my perfections (of which there are none without him).

This person no longer knows who I am. And, unfortunately will never take the time to see. I am not the sum of my blog, I am not the sum of the persona I bring home with me (I let them see what I allow as I am miserable at home - although since hearing they are going I am much happier now.. I will miss her as she is like a little sister.. and is loved, though she thinks otherwise I'm sure - not that my actions gave note of other things recently.. my failure there - and only to me to redeem..).
Who I am is not the sin you see, the sin you look for nor the sin you judge.. Who I am is real. No more pretense, no more pretending to not be who I am, no more pretending to not want to be and do things that are deemed as wrong within the church (not the Lord mind you, in the church - two vastly different things). Who I am is free.

I'm not saddened that he should think this way of me, but perturbed that he would post it so in a response like that rather than loving me enough to ask and make sure I believe.. or judge what he thinks he knows (again people I Samuel - the Lord judges the heart - we judge by outward appearances).

I have not left faith - I have left the fold, insofar as the confines of legalism and the boundaries set upon me by others that the Lord never intended for me to have. Have I found the balance between the two yet? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I am searching, and a faithful Lord who will guide me and stick by me through the whole journey and loves me as I search. That is enough for me.

These friends can fall to the wayside, can believe what they will, can judge "foul" words that come from my lips (they all say the same, just might not get the same pleasure from the word Fuck that I do - but it makes no difference, judge if you must). They can look at me and say downhill, lost, not a believer.. they can pray for my soul (which surly must be damned now right, because umm.. we lose the gifts freely given to us now?? Salvation?? HELLO!) They can see that I do things they don't approve of (not sin, but their own judgements or convictions) or that are, in fact sin (yes, I am a sinner) And they can think as they wish, I can handle it. Because I know this one little thing that they do not - I am His - completely. Loved, adored, bestowed with Grace unsurprising and far beyond our finite knowledge.

This fact is amazing to me. I am loved. I sin - yet, I am loved. I was a sinner before Jesus walked the earth, before he was scourged, before he was crucified.. and even before all of these things he gazed upon me and said, she is mine, I take her as my very own. Knowing my sins (yet future) knowing my folly (yet future) knowing my peril, my praise, my ways, my distractions, the sorrow I would cause him and the glory he would bring out of my life.. knowing all these things - but mostly knowing my sin, he still chose to drink the cup that was given to him, because of me, to stand silently accused, because of me, to quietly be scourged, because of me, to stream rivulets of blood and be nailed to wood, because of me only to be raised above the earth to die a sinners death.. for me.

Nothing - not my folly or foolishness, or the foolish, petty, judgmental thoughts of others can ever take that glory away from me, that gift.. that freedom. It is mine. I am his, his doubly his!! First he created me, then he paid for me! REDEEMED!! And I will never forget this.. ever.. Nor will I ever be able to escape the reality of it.

Judge what you will with finite mind - I am His - completely.

FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!

Here is my school schedule for this semester!

Biology – 01/30/06 – 03/31/06
History (western civilization) – 01/30/06-03/31/06
Art Hx – 01/30/06-03/31/06

US Poli – 02/21/06-04/28/06
Psych – 02/21/06-04/28/06

Arts 2 – 03/13/06-05/19/06

Do the math with me here.. that means at one point in time I will be in COUNT THEM – 6 classes at one time. I am going to die. PEOPLE I WORK FULL TIME MANAGING AN UPCOMING DEPARTMENT!!! My plate is already full.. OMG.. total death and anhilation for me..

Plus an English class as SC beginning Feb 2nd – May 28th (two afternoons a week!!). I’m totally Fucking crazy! Is a degree really worth this?? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!! I'm gonna love it!

I may need to take the English class via an intersession mode in between spring and summer sessions at SC.

Remind me that I did it last semester and was dealing with a sociopath.. I can do this now.. with no sociopath in sight.. OMG.. I totally can’t breathe right now.. I’m an overachiever to the core.. If I pull this off God needs to take me to dinner!

Is It Wrong..

That I am somehow both excited for and jealous of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie being pregnant?

And what the heck does it say about me that I even care that the two most fuckable people on earth have now procreated?

I need a life.

Truth

Fear is perhaps love's greatest enemy.

I just read this on someone elses blog - sadly true.

Hitting Walls..

I don't even know where to begin with this post - but the need to write is HUGE - and the need to act even larger.. Yet here I am, words failing me as thoughts fly, heart aches and time stands impeccably still -- all the while hurtling me through its chasm of graceless end only to pit me against situations that will leave me crushed.. broken and sobbing..

Life, love and relationships.. ahhh.. many splendid things these three evil ones are..

RK and I went on a trip to AZ this weekend - my first road trip with a man.. and I was dead set on having a blast.. Him my best friend JH, her husband and getting to meet RK's best friend and family.. All the while being away from the reality of life here - and getting to -- well, just have fun.. that was until the realities settled in and completely upset the balance of my little world.. sending me into quite seclusion and leaving him wondering WTF is wrong with me.. Quite, moody little me..

Reality.. hmm.. often my perceptions are not cohesive with reality, they are merely perceptions, how I take in the world, how I view the things in my limited understanding of everything grand.. and from my own biased perspective (we all suffer this malady.. none are immune, unfortunately).

So there I sat, in my funk of thoughts, emotions and fear.. having grasped some new knowledge or tidbit of understanding from God knows what, earlier that day.

My great, heartbreaking revelation? A relationship with RK will not work.

"Why?" you ask, "but wait you love him!" you say.. "you two are fantastic for each other!" agreed.. and all of these things considered and all of them being very true.. It can not work simply for the fact that he never wants to be married again (his first being of the horribly hurtful and sorrowful type) and I will never compromise or leave behind my desire to be someone's wife.. especially that of a man I love deeply and wish to stand next to for time and times and times after.. Turbulent, easy, soft or hard..

This is my hearts desire.. Not some squishy desire of a childish heart thinking that with marriage will come hunky dory feelings of togetherness and easy times, merely for the sake of a body being next to you - but one who knows that Love and Marriage are not about emotions, rather about commitment.. to the relationship and to the person.. one who knows that stinky breath in the morning and bad attitudes or mistakes are not the substance of bad days - but the natural flow of life.. disappointments will abound.. but Love would remain.. Commitment would remain.. Adoration would prevail..

He will not change, and I, sadly, can not ask him too.

I could sit by as so many co-dependents do and believe that my love will be enough - It won't. I could stand and wait for him to see the error of his ways, and know that he is losing the BEST thing that ever walked into his life (he knows), hoping, praying, crying for the day he will see the error of his mindset and change all to be with me.. for love - a love that perhaps, truly does only exist in the movies.. he won't.

I will leave. He will not follow. He knows it is inevitable and in that he accepts the obvious consequences. It is me that cannot. It is me that refuses to truly see that it is what must be and how it will be. It is me that wants to force him to change, wants to force him to see that I love him and that in that contentment is found.. heaven is touched.. lives are changed, hearts are restored.. He will not. I cannot. I come to an impasse.. A wall - the constant - and again and again I will slam against it in vain attempts to change it or cause it to crumble. It will not. I will only be crushed as I wish to crush. I will end up cracked and broken - This is truth.

I look at him and sorrow, as I know he knows what I must do.. and he knows what it will cost us both. And I want to punch him for his foolishness.. and kick her for hurting him so badly.. Why must we pay for the sins of others?

I'm not saying that I would marry this person.. That is future.. very future.. but also, taking my heart for him already into consideration -- things I MUST consider -- and take action to protect myself now.

I hate this. I hate maturity.. this state that says I must make the wisest and best decisions for myself possible at this time.. I hate that this wasn't the "fling" I figured it to be.. but most of all I hate the hurt I see in his beautiful brown eyes because he knows he is losing me.. and I hate his inability to change and accept love and the gifts that are offered to him.. Those things he desperately wants and needs, yet shuns for fear of yet more hurt and rejection.. I hate the sins of others that have wounded him..

A man can not be an island unto himself.. Not forever.. it doesn't work.. Perhaps I am just not the right one and another will come in later and crack the fissures in his walls that I've begun and will reap the blessings of, truly, one of the greatest men out there.

I can only hope, because I wish him every happiness and blessing possible in this life.. He deserves it all.. and he is more than worthy of it..

I hate growing up, I'm beginning to believe it is highly overrated and that the ignorance of youth is bliss.