Hitting Walls..

I don't even know where to begin with this post - but the need to write is HUGE - and the need to act even larger.. Yet here I am, words failing me as thoughts fly, heart aches and time stands impeccably still -- all the while hurtling me through its chasm of graceless end only to pit me against situations that will leave me crushed.. broken and sobbing..

Life, love and relationships.. ahhh.. many splendid things these three evil ones are..

RK and I went on a trip to AZ this weekend - my first road trip with a man.. and I was dead set on having a blast.. Him my best friend JH, her husband and getting to meet RK's best friend and family.. All the while being away from the reality of life here - and getting to -- well, just have fun.. that was until the realities settled in and completely upset the balance of my little world.. sending me into quite seclusion and leaving him wondering WTF is wrong with me.. Quite, moody little me..

Reality.. hmm.. often my perceptions are not cohesive with reality, they are merely perceptions, how I take in the world, how I view the things in my limited understanding of everything grand.. and from my own biased perspective (we all suffer this malady.. none are immune, unfortunately).

So there I sat, in my funk of thoughts, emotions and fear.. having grasped some new knowledge or tidbit of understanding from God knows what, earlier that day.

My great, heartbreaking revelation? A relationship with RK will not work.

"Why?" you ask, "but wait you love him!" you say.. "you two are fantastic for each other!" agreed.. and all of these things considered and all of them being very true.. It can not work simply for the fact that he never wants to be married again (his first being of the horribly hurtful and sorrowful type) and I will never compromise or leave behind my desire to be someone's wife.. especially that of a man I love deeply and wish to stand next to for time and times and times after.. Turbulent, easy, soft or hard..

This is my hearts desire.. Not some squishy desire of a childish heart thinking that with marriage will come hunky dory feelings of togetherness and easy times, merely for the sake of a body being next to you - but one who knows that Love and Marriage are not about emotions, rather about commitment.. to the relationship and to the person.. one who knows that stinky breath in the morning and bad attitudes or mistakes are not the substance of bad days - but the natural flow of life.. disappointments will abound.. but Love would remain.. Commitment would remain.. Adoration would prevail..

He will not change, and I, sadly, can not ask him too.

I could sit by as so many co-dependents do and believe that my love will be enough - It won't. I could stand and wait for him to see the error of his ways, and know that he is losing the BEST thing that ever walked into his life (he knows), hoping, praying, crying for the day he will see the error of his mindset and change all to be with me.. for love - a love that perhaps, truly does only exist in the movies.. he won't.

I will leave. He will not follow. He knows it is inevitable and in that he accepts the obvious consequences. It is me that cannot. It is me that refuses to truly see that it is what must be and how it will be. It is me that wants to force him to change, wants to force him to see that I love him and that in that contentment is found.. heaven is touched.. lives are changed, hearts are restored.. He will not. I cannot. I come to an impasse.. A wall - the constant - and again and again I will slam against it in vain attempts to change it or cause it to crumble. It will not. I will only be crushed as I wish to crush. I will end up cracked and broken - This is truth.

I look at him and sorrow, as I know he knows what I must do.. and he knows what it will cost us both. And I want to punch him for his foolishness.. and kick her for hurting him so badly.. Why must we pay for the sins of others?

I'm not saying that I would marry this person.. That is future.. very future.. but also, taking my heart for him already into consideration -- things I MUST consider -- and take action to protect myself now.

I hate this. I hate maturity.. this state that says I must make the wisest and best decisions for myself possible at this time.. I hate that this wasn't the "fling" I figured it to be.. but most of all I hate the hurt I see in his beautiful brown eyes because he knows he is losing me.. and I hate his inability to change and accept love and the gifts that are offered to him.. Those things he desperately wants and needs, yet shuns for fear of yet more hurt and rejection.. I hate the sins of others that have wounded him..

A man can not be an island unto himself.. Not forever.. it doesn't work.. Perhaps I am just not the right one and another will come in later and crack the fissures in his walls that I've begun and will reap the blessings of, truly, one of the greatest men out there.

I can only hope, because I wish him every happiness and blessing possible in this life.. He deserves it all.. and he is more than worthy of it..

I hate growing up, I'm beginning to believe it is highly overrated and that the ignorance of youth is bliss.