Abandoned..

I'm doing something he doesn't agree with.. and because of that he believes it's fair to cut out that part of my life - the offense? Moving. Nice huh?

I've been abandoned before, I'm sure this isn't the last time.. and it will probably be the space that I need from him as it is "far" that I am moving too.. Far enough for space that is..

I'm selfish.. I want to live in a beautiful apartment, by myself, pay only half the rent - and get the place to myself.. in the middle of the downtown part of a city I love.. I want to nest, I want hardwood floors, my own furniture, my own space.. the jacuzzi bath tub.. and a killer discount.. yes, I'm selfish - because he doesn't like it or agree with the person I will rent it from... Like he has room to judge the pasts of others? Control. That is the issue here. I don't want a relationship because I'm a scardy cat, but I want all the comforts of you and 100% say in your life. And now that you're doing something I don't agree with, I will cut that part of you off. Newsflash buddy.. You're my best friend, I love you more than I've ever loved another, flaws and all.. but either take it all or none of it; I hate to tell you this, it will probably be difficult to hear.. to absorb, but I will be just fine without you. Sorry. My loss will also be my gain in this one.

I've been abandoned before, I lived. I will survive it this time as well.

Cest la vie.

Scepter of Grace..

My Grandfather lies in a hospital bed in the CCU tonight, tube down his throat, wires plugged in attached to various body parts, iv's dripping potions of various sorts, naval cut sternum to pelvic area, freshly sown up - having... having? Almost died? Yes, close - very close. Family members shed tears of fear and frustration over what they are limited in doing.. physically, emotionally, financially and perhaps even spiritually. People rush to the emergency room to? To what? To be near in case of death.. in case despair must show its ugly face.. in case the facade of security, peace, family is cracked and life rushes in with its pains and agony to tether you in its grips unwilling to let go, move on, just leave.. unwilling.. life? No, us. Panicked we run to places which render us useless, in our limited skills, lacking knowledge and binding emotions. Why? Why? Closeness? Control? To feel the flames of the heart of agony warm our faces with fresh tears?

He may lay dying.. may.. may.. may.. and I? Emotionless. I went though not for him, but another. I went for her, the daughter who wept with fear, who cried as the agonizing thoughts of what may be captured her mind and engaged her heart with overwhelming sorrow. The daughter, better than I the "grand" one.. in her grace, in her mercy.. the scepter of forgiveness offered to him - a beacon beaming in beauty - with love, with magic, with life - things which I do not possess - not yet.. not for him.

I can see him in his fragile state, ashen, small, weak. But I - I remember the rain, the night, the lights in the driveway.. the drunken steps, stumbling words.. attempts at harm.. penetration - I remember.. SEARED - I will never forget. I remember walls, plaster holes, phones ripped violently from them, holes punched furiously into them - chalky dust testaments to rage, to hate.. to a past he cannot escape.. one given to him, created for him, but a future he formed of his own.. choices he made.. choices he continued to make -- until this morning and the ashy pallor of sickness, of death became the cloak he wore.

And she.. no they.. offer grace, choosing to forgive (?) choosing to -- call father this one deserving in only the most limited of ways. And the "grand" one.. me - Ambivalence.. Not even able to muster up anger.. just.. just.. only just. And the only sorrow I feel? That my ambivalence makes me a terrible person in the eyes of others - So I keep it a secret from all that I know, but the one.. RK - who loves me despite, who knows and understands me in ways that no one else does. He whom I love with my whole heart - for him I sorrow.. what could have been.. what could be..

But to the man, that man.. I lack.

I wish to see the smallness that this has made of him, but I only see the night, the rage, the want of sexual gratification so badly that one would corrupt an innocent to obtain it. I wish him no ill for these transgressions.. for this beastliness.. but neither can I muster the wish for good. I only feel nothingness.. nothing.. empty, void.. karma.