.. and the depression settles in -

It has come to that place where time seems to go by as slow as possible.. boredom has rested upon me and the weight of all that I am not sits upon my shoulders - a burden i cannot bear. Time creeps slowly by - and the moments between each beat of the second hand seem to pause for an eternity.. lifetimes flahsing by in those instances.. unaware.. passing.. passage.. time.. wasting.. life.. me.

And I don't know how to change it..

Unpopular by Christianity's Standards - Part I

I am a Christian.. some would like to term me a ‘backslidden’ Christian.. but it is not I who continually push a rock up the hill only to watch it roll back down again – Sisyphus got that lucky job.. and as far as myths go it’s a great story.. but nothing that applies here, not to me.

What I am is real. I am not one that is going to tell you I am not a sinner, perfect or that I have attained the Christian equivalent to Nirvana and am now just as Holy as Christ.. Quite the opposite, everyday I am faced with my own humanity – this frail flesh that binds me to sin, indiscretions and other maladies which put me in direct opposition of the One I serve.

I am the true Christian – The desperately needy one.. Just as Peter I think too much of myself, I am prideful, like Noah I give into my desires and often my propensity towards sin leaves me naked and uncovered – exposed for all to see. Just as Nahum bowed before a false god, I find myself bowing before things that are not the Creator and true Lover of my soul.. As David my temptations get the better of me, and I quickly find that an adultering- murderer is exactly who I am – when I have piously thought otherwise.. singing praises to the Lord, extolling my love and need for him. Only to end up in debauchery with my very next breath.. I, like Paul – am the Chief of Sinners..

Some days I am Joseph - fleeing naked from Potipher’s wife – triumphant in the face of temptation.. but mostly I find myself to be the Prodigal.. that child of love – who had everything and yet walked away, squandered, lusted and lived a life of – well.. fun, for a time.. (admit it.. we all love sin – otherwise it wouldn’t be so appealing, sweet or tempting..) But he left blind to what he was giving up – his Father – the closeness of his love and nearness of his care.. his protection, provision, covering, joy and love.. we are often blind to what we walk away from – thinking the grass surly MUST be greener.. only to find that pig-slop and despair are to be our only companions.

In all of this – I have found grace. Grace unsurpassed by finite knowledge – by my shallow understandings and pithy attempts of verbalization.. I have found that I am loved regardless – and that I am accepted in the Beloved.. Jesus.. No matter my folly, no matter the pit.. no matter.. no matter.. I can bow down before a false god and still be loved and accepted by the One True and Living God – I can be an adulterer, murderer, liar, lesbian, whore, thief.. Chief of Sinners.. and still be loved by the One who has marked my soul as His own.. Abundantly, and with abandon..

Why? Because He took the Sisyphus’ rock up that hill and nailed it to a Cross to ensure, for me, that it would never roll down again.. and He is taking me on this journey (to???) so that one day I can stand and proclaim – loudly that He alone is God – He alone is Love.. and that I – we do not have to earn it – we do not have to be perfect – we do not have to be holy, righteous or pious before entering in.. we merely have to be what we already are.. human, fallible, hurting sinners in need of the Savior..

If when I accepted Him I became that utopian perfection that I was misled to believe was truth – I would have ceased in my need for Him then and there.. but, alas.. I continually need Him, and He continually picks me up, cleans me off, embraces me and loves the hurt away..

That is the beauty of this “backslider”..

__________________

~ a righteous man falls 7 times in one day and rises again..

~ work out your own salvation with fear and trembling..

~ for it is by grace that you are saved, through faith, not works, lest any man should boast..