Two Years..

Two years ago I was a child. Hidden behind walls of religiosity and fear - unwilling to live the life I wanted as I was bound up by fears of what others would think and want of me.. I was "innocent" by the standards of most.. Naive.. blinded by my religious affiliations.. hiding in Christ, rather than being hidden "in" Him - as was supposed to be.. so I hid, and because of hiding failed to grow.. as a person, as a human.. and even as a Christian.

There were things I did not do - not because I didn't want to do them, but because I feared the repercussions - NOT the Lords, but the repercussions of Christians and how I would be viewed by them - Less than perfect. Sad. I was bound, trapped and dying and had no clue. None.

Today - haha.. today I have done my fair share of the things I only dared to consider 2 years ago.. and, well.. I like it. I love my life, and the possibilities of what may be in the future - Not sin, not the unwise choices that I make at times - I do like those, but not how my heart feels after (scary how it adapts to these things though). But I love the woman I have become, the woman I am becoming.. much more defined by me rather than others (though, admittedly I do still struggle with this to some extent..) much more my own person than the puppet who performed neato parlor tricks and spouted spiritual and correct things in order to maintain some sort of perfection in the eyes of others.

I am happy.

Yet - yes, there is something missing.. something that I know exists.. Balance.

The balance between these two lives. You see, not all of my spirituality and love of the Lord was contrived. He knows this, I know this - and I honestly don't give a fuck what others may think of me or that anymore. I know on the outside I was a fraud - but my heart.. OH my heart was full of love for the Lord.. and desire for him.. even now as I type this my heart jumps with anticipation and desire for Him.. I know this is not .. that that was not the end of my spiritual journey with Him.. but I know that never again will I be the scared little girl who wept at His feet and was lost in the throng of others who were just as blind as I was.. I will be the woman, prostrate and repentant, crying genuine tears, who rises by the the strength of His hand, His love.. to go and falter, and fail, and flourish - in all things.. and in all ways.. being loved.. despite the mistakes, despite the triumphs.. and I love that..

Balance.. the elusive one.. the wanted one.. the desired one.. my nemesis and yet my greatest hope.

So much more to figure out.. so much more to know.. so much more to hope for.. so much ahead of me. I love it!