How Could it be any Different?

How do people get it in their heads that you can remain friends after you break up? It's impossible. I've tried it, doesn't work.. Can't go there. RK thinks its possible -- they why - tell me do we fight like crazy when we are together now? Why is there tension.. Why issues? Ummm.. because there is history. And now as I move on to someone else (hey, I'm a Gemini, love them quickly, when I find it won't work, move on quickly.. its just how I am - deal) he gets grumpy and jealous.. hello? SHUT THE FUCK UP! If you want me, consider some changes in your life in the future - if not, butt the hell out of my new life without you. I say that knowing, and having known for a couple of weeks now that I don’t want the relationship back. I do not want him back. Not because DC is around now (I have no clue what will happen with that and hold it with a very loose hand) but because I see how we are able to be the best of friends and marriage and kids aside.. a relationship like that would not work between us as our faults are too similar – as are our strengths.

Friends? Yes, always. I would give the world to him if I could. But close like we were? It just does not work, not in this reality. And how fair is that BS to anyone new? Not at all. If I were in DC's position I'd be incredibly uneasy with dating someone whom was still "best friends" with a recent ex. Not cool at all. And how dare RK think that any man who would come along would put up with that bullshit - unfair to ask of anyone.

I guess its kind of moot anyway as I pissed RK off so badly tonight I'm not sure that he will speak to me for a long time. Drama. I hate it, but I seem to attract it very well. Apparently I should never text message in his (RK's) presence as he will ASSume that it is DC the "new boyfriend" HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND – yet. And RK will get all pissy.. ummm hey.. not my fault you fell for me, not my fault you chose to date someone you knew you'd have to change for in order to be with.. Not really my fault I had to walk away.. just a wise decision I had to make for my future. Sad, but necessary. And YES I have moved on. And NO a friendship like ours will NOT work at this point. I'm sorry. I hate it too, but its reality.. Don't think I wanted it this way as I did not.

Seven Years..

I have Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily CD in and on repeat on the song Seven Years.. I lived this, and for pretty much that exact amount of time. I was "in love" with an ass of a man (see fucktard in earlier posts) and I thought he was the world - perfect. He was actually a liar, jerk, porn addict, slob and a loser. I saw none of this then. My blinders were on, my heart was clouded - both by his lies and my desire to believe them. On and off for seven years I went back and forth with this -- Not a man, child (not that I was much more at the point.. but at the very least, I was sincere - if not too emotionally involved.) I never even think about this guy and here was this song emoting every little thing I felt, did and experienced during this time.. crazy.

It is amazing to me to see how I have changed - how I am free. How I don't put up with any bullshit that my former self would have. Self confidence is an amazing thing. I don't need a man and if I am with one and he fails to meet certian standards now, I'm good with leaving it and walking away. I am free and happy with me now, no longer in need of empty fillers.
These lyrics speak so very much of where I was then - and I am thoughtful, yet estatic that I am free.. not only of him, but of so much more!

How did I love you?
there was no measuring
far above this dirty world
far above everything
in your tower over it
you were clean
so warm and insightful
were you in my eyes
I was sure the rightful
guardian of my life
damn you betrayer
how you lied
but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet
for seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee
you wereall I could see
I've got my sight now
I see everything you hid
so don't you try to right now
all the wrong you did
I might forget you
but never forgive
but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet
for seven yearsI bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee
for seven years
you were so revered
I made offerings of
anything and everything I had
you wereall I could see

Betrayed?

I broke up with RK 3 or so weeks ago.. and last weekend we spent the day/night together.. in this time he chose to tell me that he'd basically been dating someone else the whole time we'd been seeing each other (yes, at some point in time I was under the impression we were NOT dating other people, only each other) but that he wasn't drawn to her like he is to me, blah blah blah.. and blah.. but you were dating her MOTHERFUCKER.

And I let it go - we were broken up when he told me this after all.. why dwell on the past, it is exactly that right? Yep - till someone kindly rips the scab off the wound - thank you RK.

So what happens? I get hurt, I want to cry - I don't cry in front of him, I run to the bathroom in the nearest restaurant to do it - come out want to go home NOW - he has no clue why.. wants me to "talk".. Why the fuck should I talk about something that shouldn't even affect me now? Ummm hello Idiot - up until about 5 days ago I regretted breaking up with you and wanted to work it out.. yeah, I know, I never said this, I stayed silent.. but -- umm.. couldn't see it from a mile away.. wasn't that obvious?

So now what? He's mad, dropped me off without a goodbye, I'm ambivilant - he made his pot, he can stew in it - and my point that lovers (especially that close and involved - oh wait.. maybe that was just me as he was seeing somefuckingbodyelse the whole time) can NOT be friends after the relationship is over. It doesn't work. Been there, tried that, nothing good comes of it.

Door closed. Chapter over.

I loved you.. but goodbye.