Heart Changes..

I just found out my ex got engaged this past weekend (yes, Christmas - how blase). A while back (last Spring) this news would have killed me - and now? I don't care at all. She is engaged to a man who cheated on her for 6 of the 9 months they have been together (yes, with me and one other person), she's caught a winner there - I hope she can be happy looking into his eyes knowing the things she knows (yes, she knows it all) and knowing she can not trust him - that he's a cheater, liar and a coward. No backbone this one - none at all.

Its funny to me that this is the only man I can say I have been truly in love with - (no, even RK is not loved like DH was, not yet anyway - and who knows if he shall ever be - I don't) - I pinned so much hope on this guy - and was so broken when he broke up with me, for no apparent reason. Then I was given the gift of time and hindsight - and the ability to step back from him and the situation and view him in his true state. All he ever did was bitch at me about work and life and how he never had enough money, and how this this that and the other was wrong - and me? I made him feel good about all of those things - was a calm in his storm, till life got real and he fled. He wasn't as smart or evolved as I am emotionally - completely unable to look at life and analyze what needed to be done to get to the next step and to grow as a person. And completely unable to see that I needed depth - and that I was constantly growing and changing - and that it is always going to be like this for me. He was a great guy - a beautiful man - We had incredible sex.. FUCK - we had great sex.. even after - but without the love that was there before it lacked.. for me hugely, and became just fucking - empty.

Sex with RK is way better - there is something about this man that gets me - and I'm good to go all the time with him, as I've never been before - and I want him more - and I respond on a completely different level than I ever have before - I love it!

But DH - and she are getting married. A part of me still hates him, a part of me hates her for having what was promised to me - But mostly - I don't feel anything, except releif that I was freed of him before I married him and spent the rest of my life with someone who bored me and didn't challenge me at all. Very releived.

Often we (as I did) stand too long looking a door thats closed on us rather than turning to see the window thats just been flung open and all the new possibilities that lay beyond.. Cheesy - but so true.

Someday You Will be Loved..

I once knew a girl

In the years of my youth

With eyes like the summer

All beauty and truth

In the morning I fled

Left a note and it read

Someday you will be loved

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret

Cause each broken heart will eventually mend

As the blood runs red down the needle and thread

Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved

Like you never have known

The memories of me

Will seem more like bad dreams

Just a series of blurs

Like I never occurred

Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep

And every time tears roll down your cheeks

But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet

Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved

Like you never have known

The memories of me

Will seem more like bad dreams

Just a series of blurs

Like I never occurred

Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved

Like you never have known

The memories of me

Will seem more like bad dreams

Just a series of blurs

Like I never occurred

Someday you will be loved

Someday you will be loved

Death Cab for Cutie

**Someday You Will Be Loved**

I love the man who penned these lyrics.. and applaud him for knowing that he's not the right one for a girl.. and instead of being selfish and sticking around, allowing her heart to become involved and hurt even more.. he was honest about who he is and what he is.. and took his leave so that she could find what it is he knew she not only wanted but deserved. That to me is beautiful.. and as much as the little things that have happened to me have hurt.. I'm thankful that these guys knew I wasn't the "one" for them.. nor were they for me.

Loving for me is easy.. Loving me, perhaps, is not.. and kudos to the man who can look me in the eye and say he knows he's not the best choice for me.. not the right one.. and that I need to move on..

Not saying that in light of RK - but just thoughtful about it.. in that, he may not be, and hopeful that if he thinks that, that he would let me move on to those other things, to pursue what it is that I want.. and not keep me here because he likes the companionship of me, or my presence in his life.. I think he is man enough for those things for the most part.. but I also know he needs to be loved.. and I fill that for him right now.. which I love.. fuck, we all know by now that I'm in love with him.. no big secret there kiddos.

I try break things off.. to end it.. look for reasons, but they are never allowed and all seem to be pithy attempts at whatever.. foolish really. One day, perhaps, I will settle in and be comfortable with him and how I feel about him, but not now, not just yet.

~~~~

The depression and despair that I felt yesterday and the day before has dispelled.. Glad to report that I'm normal now. In fact was the moment I was finished cleaning every last inch of my house - my crazy way of having a sense of control in my life. Felt a little bad for my scrooge-like behavior towards RK and my Mom - but lets face it, I hate Christmas, and any other holiday that is family oriented.. get over it.. It may be like this for life.

** No trees were destroyed in the transmission of this entry, however, a few neurons may have been seriously inconvenienced..

Little Truths..

Most who know me would say that I'm one of the nicest, sweetest and kindest people they know.. and this, to a point, is the truth.

What most of them don't know though is that I am also one of the angriest people I know. The difference between me and most is that I hold it all in and take it out on myself rather than venting or acting out in inappropriate ways - as some may. I, myself, only realized the extent of my anger recently.

I'm angry that my grandfather tried to rape my mother in front of me when I was 6, that he thought drinking and beating my grandmother and their children was appropriate behavior. I'm angry that from the outside we looked like the Jones', but inside we were a helter skelter of horror.. ruled and reigned over by a man who thought sexual relations with his daughters normal.. and beating just desserts for behavior not in sync with his demands.

I'm angry that my Mother thought that men were more important that her little girl who desperately needed her. That leaving me to fend for myself at 10 was normal, or leaving me in daycare for 12 hours a day so that her current boyfriend (wife beater no less) could have a "peaceful" life without my interference. That upon coming home I was made to go straight to my room, or go out to play until bedtime. That quality time was not as important as a child knowing she was loved and wanted. I'm angry that this pervert was allowed to have say in my life and that the life he gave me was a prison.

I'm angry that my uncle saw fit to use my body as his own personal dick receptacle. That at 10 years old I could become his own personal sex toy. And that my aunt would sit by and knowingly allow him to mold and shape me into his mistress. I am angry that no one was there to protect me, to take care of me.. I was 10 and I knew what he was doing was wrong.. that I was 10 and too young for such things. I became Little Mistress K. I am angry that he now has a pubescent daughter and is free to act these things out again.

I'm angry that my mother rather than disciplining me regularly and paying a fuckwad of attention to me, thought getting drunk and beating the shit out of me was the best way to train up a child in the way she should go. I'm angry that at 12 I was allowed to stay out for all hours and never given any rules, or protected. I'm angry that someone (an adult male) was able to take a shovel and aim it for my head threatening to kill me, and my mother never batted an eyelash.

I'm angry that my first boyfriend thought it right and good to date rape me when I said no - over and over, through tears because I was a virgin and didn’t want to lose it that way.

I'm angry that they let me waste 5 years of my life and gain 200lbs without ever intervening or trying to take care of me. I'm angry that cutting myself was not seen as bad thing but as something the weirdo did. I'm angry that I wasn't loved, not how a child should have been.

I'm angry that my sperm donating father decided that at 2 years old I had had all the fathering I would ever need in this life and took off, never speaking to me again till I was 28 - and then suffered so much guilt that he can't have a relationship with me now..

I'm angry that DH made promises to me and that we found happiness together - and then reneged on those things. I'm angry that I got back at him by sleeping with him and telling the girl he loves now. I'm angry at who I became. But I still hate him everyday for the heartache he caused me. Its been almost a year.
I'm angry that I'm angry over these petty things and so much more.. and I'm angry that I appear so nice and kind and that no one ever knows that inside I'm still suffering at times.. horribly so.

I'm angry that its Christmas and I left for home alone, and woke up alone.. and spent the day alone.. and the one person that truly cared is the one person I am desperate to push away because I love him and know he can never fulfill those 2 precious things I so desire.

I'm angry that I'm so emotional and moody.. and that I can't seem to be ok these past few days.. I am miserable.. and people know.. but know one really knows what it truly is that I'm miserable about..

Suicide.. options.. yes, but answers? No.

Though sometimes I think life would be much more livable dead.

Figure that one out.

MERRY CHRISTMAS?

Anyone else hate this fucking holiday as much as I do? Never have I had a good Christmas - no, I take that back, I've had two - the first year I was in Oregon at my friends house, and last year with DH - then our world started to unravel..

Either way - I really do hate this day.. these days.. I went to a family thing today and then skipped out on the rest of the family events because this one was so traumatic.. what is it about the holidays that brings out the best (read: worst) in your family members? Do they save up nastyness throughout the year to bestow upon us on a day when everyone is supposed to be happy and cheery? I think they might. Needless to say, I got up and walked out of the house and left without saying goodbye to a soul. I don't think I will ever talk to my grandparents again - fine if your bitter, fine if life didnt take you where you thought it should and delt you some crappy cards.. but ITS NOT MY FAULT! Don't take your bullshit out on me. I deserve better, and demand better. period.

And then there is the boy - yes, I do love him. But - yes, always a but. And he doesn't understand this (I've tried to break up with him 3 times now and been completely unsuccessful) - I NEED TO BE FREE TO PURSUE WHAT IT IS THAT I WANT TO HAVE IN LIFE! I want a baby, desperately! and I want to be married. Neither of these are an option with him, so why should I stay? Why should I be expected to stay so he can be happy. when I will be miserable that I've given up my hearts most precious desires? I can't. I can't give these things up.

He makes me happy, and I see ways that be both desperately need each other in our lives - I motivate him, he has a hard time getting things (not all things) done on his own.. and he brings me back to reality as my head often makes appearances in the clouds dwelling on the ridiculous, rather than on reality. There is more, but those are two big things.

I am by nature and character a nurturer, so being the helpmeet of someone is rather easy for me. I also love very easily - which is more of a drawback then a blessing - and I think is going to get me into trouble here. I know that within the next 2 weeks I will (again) try to break this off with him so that I can go and do what I need to do, and he can be free to find a girl who will be happy with just the basics of a relationship and not want the meat of it or life.. That is not this girl, nor will it ever be.

I need free... -- does anybody understand that?