Stepping Forward..

Well, I did it, and we're miserable.

I've never loved myself enough to do what was best for me in regards to love, life and relationships when it comes to a man. I've also never chosen to walk away from someone I love. This time it is different, this time I am doing what is right and best for me. Growing up - scary!

There were tears, there is regret.. wanting to run back and take it all away - wanting to go back to what we are - what we were.. to have him back in my life in that position, standing beside me through everything as he has.. He is my best friend, he will be a HARD act to follow, I worry that in some ways others will not compare - but we shall see.

In the end I did what is best for me, what is right for me. I want to be married one day, and I'm not asking him to say yes I will marry you - but I, at the very least, want the option of that one day. And I know I am to be a Mommy one day, regardless of marital status. I love kids, I love babies, I love them at all ages, and one day I want the opportunity to pour my heart and life into a child in a way that was never given to me.. I want the same thing with a man.. to be able to pour my heart and life into him and have the like in return. I don't need it today, in fact, I am not in a position to have it today (school being far more important right now) but the option for it in the future.

He is still my best friend, we still talk to each other several times a day, still rely on each other for everything, still love being around each other, but some things have changed - I have released him. If he desires to date another, he is free to and my heart is accepting of that - it was my choice. I am free to date others, though I'm not at that point right now, so I will refrain until later. We still make plans for trips together months from now, we still look forward to things together, but we both know that the time will come that one of us will go another direction.. and we are free..

As sad as I am I am also releived.. And I know that for the first time ever I chose the best direction for me and that is terribly exciting.. No more hanging onto fucktards for years or months because I desperately want to be loved and love - (RK by no means is a fucktard.. the others are..) I'm in awe at the right decision.. the right choice.. the right path for me.. I'm amazed that I did it and that I'm good with it.. I'm amazed that I really don't put up with any type of setteling any longer.. I am amazed that I am FREE..

Life is good and full of hope and promise..

Beautiful..

Viacom and Kellogg sued over television ads - Financial Times - MSNBC.com

Viacom and Kellogg sued over television ads - Financial Times - MSNBC.com

I find it incredibly interesting that "parents" are suing these advertisers - aren't they the ones who buy this crap for thier kids in the first place?

25 questions that no one would EVER think to ask (well, obviously someone did)

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Orgasms give me glowy skin

2. How much cash do you have on you? Cash? Whats that?? HAHAHA – about 8 bucks

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST” (not last person’s answer!): Lest

4. Planet? Saturn – The rings are amazingly beautiful

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list: RK – I don’t remember missing his call though..

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? Melody 4

7. What shirt are you wearing? Ruby red tank top with a black shrug

8. What do you label yourself? I don’t live in boxes

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're recently wearing? Fioni – cute black heels

10. Bright or Dark Room? BRIGHT! I’m not batman, therefore I don’t dwell in caves

11. What were you doing at midnight last night? I believe I was on the phone with AK

12. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? Can you tell me how to get to that theater you and RK took me to to see 40 year old virgin? From M

13. Where is your nearest 7-11? About 50 yards from my apartment

14. What's a saying that you say a lot? Not so much

15.Who told you they loved you last? AD

16. Last furry thing you touched? Cyrano (get your mind out of the gutter people.. its not furry anyway!)

17. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days? Advil about 10, there is something wrong with my wrist

18. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? Nada

19. Favorite age you have been so far? I have to pick one??

20. your worst enemy? Me

21. What is your current desktop picture? A Manet painting (that’s Manet people, not Monet..)

22. What was the last thing you said to someone? I’m freezing to SS (who is freaking hot and rocks – and adores me, but is far to young! *sigh)

23. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? Is there any doubt that I’d pick the money over flying.. I HATE flying, but like where it gets me

24. Do you like someone? I’m beyond like - However, I love someone enough to leave..

25. The last song you listened to? Death Cab For Cutie – Someday You’ll Be Loved..

We Are Not OK..

Spent the evening with RK - and we are definately not ok. I do love this man tremendously. However, sticking with this for his sake is only hurting me. I told him last week that I wasn't leaving, and physically I have not.. but emotionally, I have taken many little steps away from him and I believe he knows it. Sad.

I want it to work. I am not a love them and leave them type really - A runner for sure, but I'm a stick it out till the end, or at least I used to be. It hurts so badly to know he hates one of the main things I need to talk about right now - or better, am learning and analyzing right now - Christianity and Christians.. I am growing and changing and to not be able to bounce things off of the most important person in my life right now hurts. Terribly.

In every other way, emotionally he is great for me, with me. Here? Not so much. And I hit the marriage and baby wall too. I CANNOT get past it, no matter how hard I try. I will love him in a way that that will be exactly what I want, and will never receive that in return - Oh I may have the love and devotion that that type of commitment might take, but I would never have the commitment from him for it. And that is devestating.

I'm at the point where walking away will hurt me, but that I will be ok. The traumatic part will be my having to walk away completely so that my heart can heal and I can be ok with all of this. I will miss the man who has become my best friend.. dearly. And seeing him sad is the last thing I want, but I know it is all necessary.. very necessary.

Love isn't easy, and hurting someone you love because it is the best choice for you even less so.

A Brother Who Gets It..

My point is to say that the Lord is still faithful even when the church we go to turns it's back on the Lord in the form of an "insignificant" brother or sister. For the Lord Himself said "What you have done to even the least of my brothers, you've done unto Me." PG to my friend KM who can't understand why or how the Lord could still love her in her sin..

He does.. I can't explain it - I don't understand it.. its all mystery - and that is why He is God and I am not.. or you..

He is the simple garbed in complexities beyond our finite reasoning.. He is beauty for ashes.. He is all I need and all I want - truly.

Getting It..

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the

intention of arriving safely in an attractive

and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,

chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,

body thouroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

"WOO HOO WHAT A RIDE!!!!!!!"