We Are Not OK..

Spent the evening with RK - and we are definately not ok. I do love this man tremendously. However, sticking with this for his sake is only hurting me. I told him last week that I wasn't leaving, and physically I have not.. but emotionally, I have taken many little steps away from him and I believe he knows it. Sad.

I want it to work. I am not a love them and leave them type really - A runner for sure, but I'm a stick it out till the end, or at least I used to be. It hurts so badly to know he hates one of the main things I need to talk about right now - or better, am learning and analyzing right now - Christianity and Christians.. I am growing and changing and to not be able to bounce things off of the most important person in my life right now hurts. Terribly.

In every other way, emotionally he is great for me, with me. Here? Not so much. And I hit the marriage and baby wall too. I CANNOT get past it, no matter how hard I try. I will love him in a way that that will be exactly what I want, and will never receive that in return - Oh I may have the love and devotion that that type of commitment might take, but I would never have the commitment from him for it. And that is devestating.

I'm at the point where walking away will hurt me, but that I will be ok. The traumatic part will be my having to walk away completely so that my heart can heal and I can be ok with all of this. I will miss the man who has become my best friend.. dearly. And seeing him sad is the last thing I want, but I know it is all necessary.. very necessary.

Love isn't easy, and hurting someone you love because it is the best choice for you even less so.