Things..

Sadly, I confess that I have one of those horrid trendy little Myspace accounts. I use it primarily to keep up with old friends who live all over and one new friend who is in Lebanon.. Its no big deal to me, kind of addicting at first, but now much more of a bore than anything.

Today I reposted a bulletin that a friend posted, I answered her questions and then reposted the blanks for myself to see who (if any - I had no expectations) would respond. A "friend" (one of aforementioned roommates) answered.

In the question that said Do I believe in God, he responded, yeah.. I guess. This person lives with me. This person has known me for 13 years or so, has seen me toil, triumph and travail.. and now that I am not living according to "standards" I'm suddenly relegated to the unbelieving side of the fence.

My faith questioned and doubted.

Now, his doubt of me is fine - he can think, do and feel as he wishes. But the fact that he is thinking these things only substantiates my thoughts and beliefs that Christians are so performance oriented and box thinkers that anything that does not come up to par for them, or look like they think it should is suddenly, morally wrong and classified as "sinner" or "unbeliever."

Truth be told, my faith in the Lord today is stronger than it ever has been. My faith in man and my need to present myself in a certain light or way to them is what was shaken to the core. I now know that I no longer have to perform. And that life in Jesus is not and never has been 2+2 = 4, but rather equaling 1, 5 or 10 or 20.. God is NOT a genie. He does not perform for me when I perform some magic formula. I am not a saint when I am perfect. I am a saint in my imperfection as well as my perfections (of which there are none without him).

This person no longer knows who I am. And, unfortunately will never take the time to see. I am not the sum of my blog, I am not the sum of the persona I bring home with me (I let them see what I allow as I am miserable at home - although since hearing they are going I am much happier now.. I will miss her as she is like a little sister.. and is loved, though she thinks otherwise I'm sure - not that my actions gave note of other things recently.. my failure there - and only to me to redeem..).
Who I am is not the sin you see, the sin you look for nor the sin you judge.. Who I am is real. No more pretense, no more pretending to not be who I am, no more pretending to not want to be and do things that are deemed as wrong within the church (not the Lord mind you, in the church - two vastly different things). Who I am is free.

I'm not saddened that he should think this way of me, but perturbed that he would post it so in a response like that rather than loving me enough to ask and make sure I believe.. or judge what he thinks he knows (again people I Samuel - the Lord judges the heart - we judge by outward appearances).

I have not left faith - I have left the fold, insofar as the confines of legalism and the boundaries set upon me by others that the Lord never intended for me to have. Have I found the balance between the two yet? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I am searching, and a faithful Lord who will guide me and stick by me through the whole journey and loves me as I search. That is enough for me.

These friends can fall to the wayside, can believe what they will, can judge "foul" words that come from my lips (they all say the same, just might not get the same pleasure from the word Fuck that I do - but it makes no difference, judge if you must). They can look at me and say downhill, lost, not a believer.. they can pray for my soul (which surly must be damned now right, because umm.. we lose the gifts freely given to us now?? Salvation?? HELLO!) They can see that I do things they don't approve of (not sin, but their own judgements or convictions) or that are, in fact sin (yes, I am a sinner) And they can think as they wish, I can handle it. Because I know this one little thing that they do not - I am His - completely. Loved, adored, bestowed with Grace unsurprising and far beyond our finite knowledge.

This fact is amazing to me. I am loved. I sin - yet, I am loved. I was a sinner before Jesus walked the earth, before he was scourged, before he was crucified.. and even before all of these things he gazed upon me and said, she is mine, I take her as my very own. Knowing my sins (yet future) knowing my folly (yet future) knowing my peril, my praise, my ways, my distractions, the sorrow I would cause him and the glory he would bring out of my life.. knowing all these things - but mostly knowing my sin, he still chose to drink the cup that was given to him, because of me, to stand silently accused, because of me, to quietly be scourged, because of me, to stream rivulets of blood and be nailed to wood, because of me only to be raised above the earth to die a sinners death.. for me.

Nothing - not my folly or foolishness, or the foolish, petty, judgmental thoughts of others can ever take that glory away from me, that gift.. that freedom. It is mine. I am his, his doubly his!! First he created me, then he paid for me! REDEEMED!! And I will never forget this.. ever.. Nor will I ever be able to escape the reality of it.

Judge what you will with finite mind - I am His - completely.